It Can Be A Happy Ending... if you wait upon the Lord

DECEMBER 2010:
I had been recovering fairly well from the painful break-up just a few months previous. I did my best to check in with God a lot and ask for direction. The direction was: stay happy. To help me with that directive, I was blessed with so many people and moments that made it easy to stay happy.

After Christmas, while driving down the street minding my own business, I felt this strong thought come into my head "You are going to be in a relationship, and it isn't going to lead to marriage." Huh, that was weird. I quickly brushed if off as a funny thought and went on my merry little way.

JANUARY 2011:
Just a few weeks after that "funny thought" a guy I had known for a while (and incidentally had a crush on) asked me out. We dated for a week and I was in heaven! Problem was, I was also freaked out of my mind of being hurt. At the end of the week- it seemed as though HE freaked out too and pulled away, but not all the way. Huh. This lead to 2 months of confusion, frustration and varied melodramatic thoughts trying to figure this guy out. All the while in the back of my head "you are going to be in a relationship and it isn't going to lead toward marriage" kept singing its tune. BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM... is all I could whine back.

Also in this month, a guy named Jake added me as a friend on Facebook. We had gone to High School together but I didn't really know him. At the time I remember looking through his life according to FB... noticed that he was divorced, 2 kids, lived in CA. I thought he was cute, but didn't think anything more about it because this other guy was front and center in my brain!

FEBRUARY 2011:
A phone call was made to this particular guy, words were said, feelings shared and confusion still ruled my life. That week I noticed him unabashedly flirting with someone else... it hurt my heart. At this point, with all of the thoughts racing through my head of anger and frustration and sadness and broken-heartedness from the past year, I finally reached my boiling point.

So I ran away. I went to St George to let my parents take care of me for a few days.

They listened as I spewed forth my anger, frustration and mostly my hopelessness. And you would think that having Heavenly Father send down a message about this relationship not leading where I wanted it to would be a big blessing... on the contrary... I have to admit, it made me more angry.

I was mad that Heavenly Father KNEW how much pain I was in about the last stupid guy... why couldn't... no... why DIDN'T he protect me from this new pain??? I was so confused!

The day before I was to go back home, I had... the moment.

It was 1 or 2 in the morning and there was a huge storm outside. There was a huge storm inside of me too. Finally after tossing and turning I jumped to my knees and yelled up in anger
"Alright, you want to talk? Let's talk..."
I proceeded to vent all of my frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. Sure I knew he already knew but I needed to say it out loud. And say it I did. I don't know how long I was on my knees that early morning, all I remember is just being done ranting and crying and all of a sudden. I stopped and waited. I noticed the storm outside had stopped too. All was quiet. I was tired. I laid back down and instantly fell asleep.

The next day I asked my dad for a blessing. It was simple and yet, so very powerful in that moment. The biggest thing that stood out to me was "Peggy, Heavenly Father knows where your heart is right now and he wants you to know that It's Ok, He Understands." It was all I needed to hear. After the blessing my dad stopped and walked to the couch... we was quiet for a moment and then said:
"Wow, never have I felt so strongly in my whole life... but... something is coming for you and it's big."
I had felt that same feeling too. Truth zapped me straight to my heart. I left St George a new gal ready to move throughout life with a better attitude, waiting upon the Lord for whatever he had in store.

MARCH 2011:
I realized one of my bigger mistakes in WHY this guy had become so Peggy-Centric and had been allowed to cause so much turmoil in my brain. And that's because I hadn't followed my own advice of a 3 Dude Rule. (basically it's just a way of staying balanced in the dating world by focusing attentions on more than one guy at the same time until one of them decides to make me their one and only).

After looking around at my life, I realized just how secluded I had become after the break-up. I wasn't really getting out much and attended church with married couples and old people. There was no immediate chance of me meeting new men. So I did what I was a little loathed to do... I got online.

After one week on one particular dating site, I got off. I was tired of staving off dumb guys wanting "hook-ups" or to talk dirty. However, I did happen to meet a guy from Scotland that became a fun friend to talk to. Because of the time difference he kept asking me to get on Facebook Chat. I never get on Facebook chat for various reasons, but every once in a while I would jump on to say Hi.

One morning I jumped on to see if he was there and noticed that this Jake guy was on. Seconds later a chat box popped up saying HI! Never in my whole life have I felt compelled to get to know someone. I said HI back. We "chatted" all day that day... and by nighttime I had given him my phone number and email address too. We talked through the night and into the next day. It was like I had found a long lost friend and I was trying to get caught up.

He already had purchased a plane ticket to come to SLC to visit his kids and so a week later I picked him up from the airport and we have been together ever since.

JULY 2011:
It has been such a fast courtship. I never in a million years pictured myself talking marriage with someone I had known for such a short amount of time... the last guy was a 2 year relationship before we got engaged. But, there is so much right and good in this relationship... so much peace. He is the easiest person I have ever gotten along with in my life... we really are a perfect match.

On July 1, 2011 we met each other in St George (something we've done a lot to save on airfare costs) and after sending me on the most amazing scavenger hunt through the vast metropolis, he got on his knee, opened a box and put a ring on my finger.

I've never felt more peace, more happiness, more contented love than I have with this man. I know that Heavenly Father had this planned all along, that THIS is what he was asking me to wait for. That THIS relationship was going to put all others to shame. Jake is my perfect match... and I am so very blessed that I allowed the Lord to work wonders in my life.

I was excited to share my story on this particular blog because I KNOW that there are women out there today that feel the same way I did... you lay awake at night wondering if it is EVER going to happen for you and you've lost hope, or maybe you have started to question that Heavenly Father cares or wants you to be happy.

I am telling you now that He will provide for you and you have no idea when that will be. Wait upon Him and he will provide... and it will be better than ANYTHING you had planned for yourself.

Life is never what we picture or planned.

Scaredy Cat

Fear is on my brain. Fear of the unknown, fear of letting someone else hurt me too, fear that I really am all the horrible things I think about myself sometimes.

As I ponder on this ever-present terror in my mind, I remember a FANTASTIC quote from a book I read a few years ago... Life of Pi by Yann Martel.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. you become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread."

So true, right?

I L.O.V.E. what he says next though... the solution to this enemy... it's so beautiful and profound.


"The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

Today I am trying to shine the light of words upon this dumb fear. It's helping!

The end.

A Word About The Previous Post

Hi Internet World, how are you today? We don't really know each other do we... so why post such personal feelings online where anyone could read it and in turn take from it what they will?

The answer? I'm not sure.

Maybe it's a mixture of therapeutic writing and sending it into the universe where someone might read and understand just how you feel. Maybe it's because even though the cyber-world is vast and unpredictable it still feels like you are never really quite alone.

So my last post- Personal? Yes. Poetic? Possibly.

I have really strong feelings not only about why I wrote it but also why I chose to post it.

I have been really hard on myself lately. Ending a relationship with someone NEVER helps in that department. I'm also the kind of gal that never ever gives herself enough credit for the good she does... I'm always brushing that part of it aside and then off to the next task.

So the other day I was filing through some pictures when I came across a picture of me in the hospital just after I had donated my kidney to my little sister. My face was puffy and I was attached to oxygen, but in True Peggy Fashion I tried to muster a smile whilst in so much pain so that it would be a somewhat decent picture... HA!

In any case, something about THAT picture stopped me into silence. I looked at this woman as if she wasn't myself. I thought about what she had just done, how much pain she must be in and I started to cry for her sacrifice. My heart went out to her. That's what got me thinking.

If I could say anything to myself as if she were just a good friend and not myself, what would I say? Knowing her struggles, knowing those moments that no one sees, knowing her hopes and needs... what would she need to hear?

So I started to write. It was 100% cathartic and healing. It's A-MAZING what it felt like to love myself like that for a minute. To praise myself for good deeds and getting over hard things. To urge her on and cheer her effort. It did a body good!

Ladies, the reason I posted this is because what would this world look like if all of us did a better job of showering ourselves with some lovin'? What would it do for you if today you too wrote yourself a letter of appreciation and encouragement? If you truly the the rain of awesome words fall upon yourselves with understanding and admiration for the person you are the good that you do?

DO IT! No, seriously... stop reading this blog right this second and go do it. You think I'm kidding... get out of here!

I can only assume no one is reading any more... that's RAD!

Paying Homage... To Me, From Me

Dear Peggy,

I have been thinking about you lately; looking at you from a distance and I wanted to write to you to let you know how much I love you.

I've seen how you've handled some very painful moments in your life, taken note of the people you care about and whom you've tried to love and give service to. I've seen you run yourself into the ground trying to go and do and stay active in your community and church and active with the things you love. One of these days, you will learn to do a better job of balancing your life so that you don't find yourself running out of steam every other month. You know as well as I do that it isn't healthy to run at the rate you do.

I've also been there to see the quiet moments that no one but you and I share.. the times you cried yourself to sleep on those lonely nights filled with pain, regret, and an ache for things hoped for but not seen. I've seen the tears for the heartaches and disappointments and cried with you for all of the bad decisions others have made that have affected your life in such a painful way.

I've watched you pray to a Father in Heaven for strength and patience and peace. I've seen those times when you followed His direction and listened to his voice and I've also seen those times when you got stubborn and prideful and not only pushed him away but pushed everyone around you away. I know you have a hard time letting people in to see the pain Peggy, but don't forget that only good can come from being open and asking for help.

When I look at you, I am so proud of the things you've done with your life. I look at your travels... to Boston, Italy... and the hardest move yet... back to Utah. You've touched so many lives and made so many life-long friends. You've shared your testimony in a unique and warm way that allowed people from all walks of life to feel your love for them, no matter what they believe. You've taken your talents with children and brought laughter and freedom to be creative to their little lives.

Coolest of all Peggy, you didn't even bat an eyelash when the call came, asking you to consider donating your kidney to your sister. I know how scary it was, how flipped upside down your life became as you prepared to donate, how challenging those months of recovery were. But look at you now, you are healthy and have a strong body... and best part yet, you can be so proud of your "little kidney that could" who has done a stellar job of helping your sister to be rock-star healthy.

My favorite thing about you, though, is your ability to see the humor in life, your resiliency and determination to stay positive, no matter what happens to you. You've done well my friend and you will continue to move through life with grace because you choose to see that there is indeed good in this life and in this world. You choose to see that even though people may do really stupid things (sometimes things that have hurt you beyond belief), that they too are coming from their own pain and are usually only trying to do their best with what they've got inside of them.

Keep that head of yours held high, knowing that you are an amazing woman. One who is capable of loving with her whole heart, who would go to bat for anyone of her peeps, who is going to make the best of her life, no matter what happens. You should be told how much you are loved and appreciated on a regular basis, mostly from me... I'm sorry that I don't do that very often. I'm sorry that I can be your hardest critic and your enabler of negativity. I promise to do a better job of appreciating you and making sure you are aware just how much I love you.

You are truly amazing and I am so lucky to know you.

Love you my friend,
Peggy

TODAY...

Today I was sick... in bed all day long with a fever
It slowed me down and left me with many thoughts
I have been running too fast to think these thoughts
They caught up to me Today
I went on a walk... the sun came out
So did my tears
No one was there to share them with me
Except the cold wind and the rushing river
I let them fall freely
Loneliness has been my new roommate lately
It replaced the space that the heartache left behind
It brings its own brand of self awareness and pain
I spoke to Heavenly Father about it
I try really hard not to get angry with Him at my life circumstances
I do plead with him for understanding though
Because sometime all I can say is... REALLY?
As I walked back to my place I looked around
I was alone in Memory Grove
How appropriate
My sad solitude turned to peace
I took a deep breath of frozen air
Then crawled back into bed

GUEST BLOGGER: Marj- Going For It

Marj is one of my best friends. She actually filled in as the role of boyfriend this past year as my heart was bleeding to death on the floor. She picked me up, made me laugh and took me on SEVERAL Diet Coke runs when the time called for it.

Watching her make the very hard and scary decisions she describes below was a very humbling thing for me. She set her pride and desires aside and just listened to and trusted the Lord. I miss her like crazy that she isn't here- but I am so very excited to see the amazing things that are coming to her now that she has taken that HUGE leap of Faith!

This is her story:

It was a breakup... as always... that convinced my heart and soul that something was off balance in my life. I picked myself up soon enough after, but almost too soon. When I realized that the end of this relationship was starting out the same as all the others it dawned on me it was time to react differently. I didn't want the same result AGAIN. So, I gave myself a mandatory 90 day break from dating. Then, when that didn't seem too painful or hard I decided to take this a step further and give myself 90 days of self-discovery.

I was to take a full three months away from the demands of socializing, family parties, and new men and truly dig deep into the inner most wrinkles of my being and iron out those things that were repeatedly holding me back. I cleared my calendar for the following three months. I decided that if there came a day when there was a party I wanted to attend I would go. But I was not going to make any advanced plans.

It is harder than you might think to force yourself into a cocoon of self understanding. In fact, it plain stunk at first. I was so bored the first week I thought I might cry. The second week was so much easier to get a grip on this opportunity and really put it to good use.

For the first month I basically sat around reading all of the time, sulking when my mind was blank, and spending more time at the office to take my mind off of my newly emptied life. I had started going to a counselor to work out past troubles, and make sure my feet were set on the right course for progress.

It all seemed well and good, but something was missing. Christ. As soon as the noise of my distracting life had faded, I recognized instantly that my connection with spiritual things had weakened. It took some time to mourn and accept the low place that I found myself, but then I started my hike upward.

As I started reading my scriptures more, praying sincerely, and writing my personal feelings in my journal I started to feel more and more strange. Yes, that's such an unexpected feeling when you're doing the 'right' thing. It wasn't until I was on a road trip with my dear friend that this first step in my journey was decoded.

I had become closer to the spirit, and as a result I was feeling the pull to change something.... what something? Talking with my friend on our long journey it started to ease it's way from my heart into my brain. I didn't like my job. I didn't feel like I fit in my environment anymore. I felt like there was something I needed to change, and soon. This all made perfect sense. Of course I needed change. The instant relief and optimistic hope that filled my insides were enough of a confirmation that I was on the right track.

For the next couple of days I made lists of placed I would like to live, and things I would be good at doing. Nothing in particular from my choices stood out above another. I decided to read my patriarchal blessing, which I received at age 16. After reading it I immediately felt prompted by the spirit in a new way. Up until that point I viewed this blessing in a reactive way. I would wait for events to happen, then compare and contrast with the things I was promised. It was as though a light turned on and I was reading my blessing for the first time. Heavenly Father intended me to 'go and do' in order to get the things he promised. I had to pro actively live in a way that would bring everything I have been dreaming of since I was 16. The peace and confidence that filled the air were yet another testimony to me that I was on the right track. So I prayed with all of my heart that the Lord would guide me to the place that I needed to be in order to do everything I was meant to for Him. And, of course, there were promises that I desperately wanted to come true as well. Up from my knees I came and a new list was started. I wrote down all of the places I thought would work with my purpose. Nothing struck me, still.

After reading a few great talks from General Authorities on personal revelation and the importance of acting on our promptings I found myself preparing to go to the Temple with my question. While I was sitting in the Salt Lake Temple at the place where you can sit and ponder on your own mysteries, I started to pray. “Where am I supposed to go?” Nothing. “Should I stay in Utah?” Nothing. “Should I go to Boston? New York? Florida? Arizona?” Nothing. Feeling like a spoiled brat who has grown weary of inventing new tactics to get what I wanted I finally sent another silent plea toward Heaven, “I am going to sit here until you at least give me some sort of an answer. I am going to clear my mind, and wait.” And wait I did.

It seemed like forever had passed, though it was probably just minutes, and my mind was brought to the thought, “Virginia.” “Virginia?????” “Yes, Virginia.” “Why?”... I know that is a silly question after why I had come to the Lord in the first place, but I'm human. My heart was filled with the spirit and thoughts flooded my mind of relatives that lived in Norther VA, and the many opportunities to be involved with missionary work, and the great historic significance of the area that would keep me occupied for years. I started to feel so excited. Wow. I prepared, I came to the Lord with a specific question, and I received a specific answer.

Several months have passed, and as of 2 weeks ago I am now officially a resident of Alexandria, VA. Each time I took another step towards Heavenly Father's guided course a new piece of the puzzle was solved. My housing basically fell into my lap. I have three amazing roommates. I have already had several chances to talk about the Savior in group settings, and talk about the importance of religion. I've had great leads on prospective employment, and many other great opportunities unfolding before me. At first I looked around me and asked, “So when does this start?”. Today I realized, it already started. I'm here. I made it. The Lord brought me to a new place and now I get to bask in the great experience that has been made just for me.

I DON'T DO RESOLUTIONS

Far be it from me to squash anyone's traditions. I think the idea of starting fresh with ones year is the best possible way to look out into the open range of possibilities with untouched days ahead.



I don't exactly remember when I started my own new tradition, but somewhere in my mid-20's it hit me that I really don't do New Year's Resolutions... and I never have. I am a goal-setter by nature and already constantly set new goals for myself when the need strikes me. So doing this on a day when its said to be "the day to do it" seems a little unnecessary for me. Besides, how many times do we hear it joked that I set the goal on January 1 and by February 20 I can't even remember what it was I pledge to do or not to do!? So, I just don't participate!



However, the older I've gotten, I noticed how each year seems to hold a theme for me. Because I am a believer that I have a Father in Heaven who is in tandem with the ins and outs of my life and my choices, I noticed that with each step I take he provides trials and adventures to carve out the lessons I am trying to learn as I go.



So for the past few years I have begun a tradition of my own that I much prefer to the stale Resolution Making. MY YEARLY THEME.



2008 was my "Year of Change"

2009 was my "Year of Adventure" and boy did I ever!

2010 was my "Get All My Ducks In A Row Year" because having a whole year dedicated to adventure can sometimes lead to little loose ends hanging around ones life. What a pain!



So this year, as I looked back on this past year... the things I've learned and the paths I've taken and I see need for certain lessons that would do me a world of good. I also see how I am on the "pride cycle" up-swing and have been doing a lot of better of going to Heavenly Father for things I need and for direction.



In my searches and scripture study, I came across a familiarly favorite story in the Book of Mormon about the Jaredites... I like to lovingly call them "Tight Like Unto a Dishers" (appropriately named for the boats they boarded and proceeded to spend just under a year in).



As you will recall, they construct these boats that look like to bowls one on top of the other, with a hole cut at the top and the bottom so that no matter what end they landed on they could always open a hole for fresh air when they surfaced. These boats had no Rutter's, no sails... not a single way to steer them. Really? When I think about it, how much faith it must have taken to climb aboard, shove off and pray that you won't get stuck out in the middle of the ocean for the rest of your life, right?!



On top of which, they were in the ocean for 340 some-odd days being, as it is described, tossed and turned on the waves, plummeted into the depths... for almost a whole year. But their amazing example showed that never did they give up their faith... never did they stop praising God, nor trusting in him. Sure I can imagine that they weren't happy, bubbly people all the time. I don't even want to know the foul language that would probably cross my lips as for the 100th time I was getting tossed back and forth. But to trust enough that you know that at the end of all of that comes a land that was promised to provide happiness for you, provides the praise Heavenly Father is worthy of. I am humbled just thinking about it.



And true to his word, he guided that boat to the Promised Land. Never once did he stop those boats from headed in the proper direction.



So, here I embark on a journey I know has been carved out just for me. I don't have the slightest clue where I am headed or how I am going to get there; only that God has promised me something amazing at the end of all of it. I know that it's not going to come without some challenges and painful things... but if I've learned anything from the Jaredites, it's to have patience and keep praising the Lord and trusting that he knows what he is doing.



Okay, without further ado, I announce to this little blog my upcoming Yearly Theme:



2011 is going to be my Tight Like Unto A Dish Year! Okay, so stop laughing at the name. It may not be the prettiest name... but it means so much to me! I can't wait to see where I'm going this time!

A Single Girl Thanksgiving (4)

Audria
older than I look
New England

As one who has been single much longer than I ever anticipated, I have gone through many phases of 'ok with my singleness'. I have had a few opportunities slip through my fingers. Each recovery was different. Each experience taught me something different. Most I am now grateful did end. The one that truly broke my heart and devastated me continues to teach me. It still makes me wonder about the purpose and order of things. In the end, I realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have the time to discover me, blessed to have the time to overcome the baggage of childhood and adolescence. Blessed to have the chance to become better...more of who I want to be. Blessed to have the opportunity to live and love and serve freely. I know that these things can be learned and experienced regardless of marital status. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father knows me and knew that the road He has taken me on was the best way for me to learn all of this and prepare me for all that is to come. There is so much yet to come, single or together.

Love On Your Own Terms

It was a cold winter's day, and this single girl was bustling about getting ready for a night on the town when her phone rang. Without even looking at the caller ID on her phone she picked up the phone,

"Hello Peggy, this is Bishop Olson (former bish). I missed a call from you, was that a pocket dial or did you mean to get in touch?"

"Oh, oops Bishop, it looks as though I did accidentally call you."

We chatted for a bit, and he asked how I was. I told him about calling off the wedding and filled him in on a few particulars and... then he said something... and that something has been rattling around in my head ever since. It's the kind of something that shifts ones paradigm. A something that stays with you forever.

"You know Peggy, you are so wonderful that I have no doubt that you will be able to find love on your own terms."

It was such a small and simple phrase- one would hardly think much of it. And yet, I did... and then as I pondered, I realized how much I needed to hear that in that very moment. AMAZING!

Love on my own terms. Have I not done that in the past? Well, yes... and no.

What does finding love on my own terms look like? What does that really mean?

Here's what I've come up with:

I have dated several men in my 31 years of life. Some have been good church going men, others have not. Some have been on the fence about their testimony and others don't even know what a testimony is. But in all my experience, all my mistakes, all of my own growth spurts I began to realize what MY testimony is... and within that context I realize not only how I want to live my life, but how I plan to raise my family as well.

The thing about dating men who either aren't a member of the LDS church, or even those who don't really follow its teachings (even if they are of the LDS persuasion) is that they really aren't in a place to live life along my side in a balanced and shared way. I don't mean to say that I am better than they are; that's not it AT ALL. Yes I have been on both sides of the coin, so obviously I can live knowing that really good people can sometimes find themselves making really huge mistakes. So it has nothing do to with someone being good or not- more of a question of how they live their life and what they want out of it.

The best question you can ask yourself when thinking about marrying someone is "if this person NEVER changed from today- could you live with all that they are?"

So I suppose I have found myself in past relationships with men who either couldn't or didn't want to give me the life that I dreamed of for myself: Big flashy cars, lots of extra cash for botox visits and massages by men named Sergio... oh... I mean...

A Loving home filled with laughter, Respect, Integrity and all of it centered around the Church to which I subscribe all of my beliefs.

People's weakness and shortcomings are all part of that package too... that's life right?- just so long as the fundamentals are there... that is what I want. Those are my terms. I shouldn't ever settle for less than that.

And so, as I move on with my life. As I look toward my future and the things I pray for- I know that God will bless me with a man who can and will give me all of the things I have ever dreamed of... LOVE ON MY OWN TERMS baby! That's so sexy!

A Single Girl Thanksgiving (4)

[so sorry for the delay... it's been way busier than i thought]



Katie
29
Utah

As a single, white female, I’m most grateful for time. Time to develop myself—to discover who I am and then rediscover me again. Time to learn. The knowledge I’m gaining since all my time is mine is something I would never trade, as well as something I hope I don’t ever take for granted or waste.


I’m learning vital life skills, like how to love and forgive myself and others, how to cook real meals that make me feel amazing, how to better understand human behavior and vulnerabilities, how to successfully communicate, how to speak other languages and experience other cultures, and how to best help children develop, feel safe, and receive love. While being single I can study and learn whatever I want and be whoever I want! Not to mention, I get to sleep 9 hours a night, teach refugee kids how to read, put my all into grad school and completely change careers, go to a midnight movie, have mad crushes on 20-year-olds and 40-year-olds at the same time, and do water aerobics with grandmas while looking hot in my swimsuit. I am becoming and celebrating and savoring each and every day. I am so blessed to be single!

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING (3)

Colleen
26
Boston, Massachusetts, USA
I am grateful that I can follow my dreams. If I decide I want to fly across the country, "just because," I can. If I decide I want to go see Harry Potter for the second time in 3 days in the middle of the night, I can. If I decide I want to get my master's degree while working full time and seeing my amazing friends every single night, I can. And if I decide I want to kiss someone, anyone, I can. It is an amazing freedom. I love being single.


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Katie
34
Colorado Springs, Colorado


I am very thankful that while the holidays can really stress people out, I have the freedom, disposal income, and flexible job that all allow me to spend Thanksgiving on the beaches of Panama with some dear girlfriends. And because I haven't given birth yet-I will look pretty good in that swimsuit!


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Cara
30
Arlington, VA
I am grateful being single because it has given me the opportunity to live, interact and learn from many other amazing, strong, talented and insightful single individuals! It's like a "family" of singles :)

Feel more than free to not use it :) But, I do look forward to reading your posts!!

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING (2)

Amber
Age 25
Nebraska

I'm thankful for my two years I spent in Korea, exploring food, culture and military men!


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Emily
Age 30
Utah


What I Love About Being Single


There probably aren't many things more challenging than being a single mom. I do it all and I do it alone... and sometimes, that's tough. I miss having someone to share the workload and then wrap his arms around me when we're tucked into bed at night, to tell me everything is going to be okay after I've had a particularly rough day. I miss someone who will do the manly jobs around the house and take care of my car when it needs repairs. What I don't miss--well, that's another story.


What I love about being single is the HOPE. I came from a relationship where hope had died, and my future looked pretty bleak. On the single side of things, there's at least the possibility, the potential, for some amazing person to enter my life who is my perfect companion, the puzzle piece that fits right into me and all of who I am. I love having a reason to get dressed up every day, because every day is an opportunity to meet that someone; and when I do, I hope I dazzle him. I love the spark of those first encounters, the flirting, and the way my stomach flutters when someone cute asks for my number. I love it even more when he actually calls. I love the holding hands and the first kisses.


I also love the freedom to wear no makeup and lay around in my sweats sometimes when I'm home, because there's no one to impress. I love that there's no one to see my mess when I don't feel like cleaning. I also love that NOT having a man around to do the manly job and take care of my car when it needs repairs means that I am forced to do those things myself. There's something empowering about staring down a challenge or an obstacle, especially an unfamiliar one, and finding somewhere inside me the resourcefulness, the strength, the stick-to-it-iveness, or the gumption to do what I've never done before or didn't think I actually could do. Being single has taught me that I CAN be single. When the time is right for me to be in a relationship again, I won't choose it out of fear, because being single has taught me that I can do it alone. I just don't want to.


Because there's still something amazing about having someone to share your life with.


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Brooke
Age 31
Magna, Utah, United States of America

I love being single to the point that it bothers my married friends. They seem to get offended that I can just up and go whenever and to wherever I want, without getting permission from someone else. Also, there are no nagging phone calls when I'm out late or frustrated sighs when I want to go somewhere.

Being single means I can do 'manly' things without being told how to do it the "right way". When I finish those things, like installing up a pull-up bar, I feel self-reliant and my self-esteem is boosted.

I have a lot of time to better myself for me and not someone else.

I don't like to cuddle, so having the entire bed to myself is a great treat.

All-in-all it's a blessing that makes me...well me.

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING

It was a few weeks ago, in the shower, that I had an idea. I was mulling over the many blessings I had been given and realized that being single- in its own right- is a blessing. I started thinking about all the many things that I have because of my Marital Status (or lack thereof) and then I wondered what others would have to say... so I asked.

This entire week is devoted to Giving Thanks, a Shout-Out if you will, to our single lives as women! There is joy in recognizing that we truly are given so much! Each day I will share with you what some amazing single ladies had to say about their single lives.

If you would like to join, please email me at: singlewhitechick@gmail.com


Monday November 22, 2011:


Peggy
31
Salt Lake City, UT

+ I am grateful to sleep in on a Saturday without any little nuggets tugging on my arm to make breakfast.

+ I am grateful that I have had the time and the means and the freedom to travel and explore the world around me- to meet people I would never have met. I have a full and fun life that I will get to share with my children.

+ I am grateful to the men I have dated over these past 31 years- each one has brought something good and unique into my life- they have taught me so much about myself in a way that I never would have learned in any other way. Some have shown me what it looks like to be truly loved and others have taught me what it looks like when I'm not. Because of each of them, I am better prepared for the marriage I am hopeful to obtain somewhere in my future.

+ I am grateful to get to know myself without too much distraction. I found out that I really like who I am. I learned to appreciate my weaknesses for what they are and learned to be appreciative of my strengths. I know what makes me happy and sad and know that it's okay to give and to receive. I love my body, inside and out, thick or thin, perfect and imperfect. It's been really great getting to know Peggy- she's pretty awesome.

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Marjorie
28
Salt Lake City, UT
USA
I am grateful that while I am single I get to use all of the hot water for myself :)

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Angie
29
Sandy, UT, USA

I am grateful to be single because:
I can do what I want, whenever I want.
I can spend my money on whatever I want.
I control the tv...Grey's Anatomy vs random sports game I don't care about? No contest in my house (see number 1 of this list).
I don't need a babysitter to go to the gym, or anywhere else for that matter. I can just hop in my car and go.
Road trip anytime, no problem.
Girl's nights with no curfew.
No awkward in-law relationships.
Late-night movies just because.
And last but not least, I'm grateful to be single because it is a blessing. God just doesn't hand out punishments willy nilly, such as you don't get to be married because I'm punishing you. God wants to bless us, so being single must be a blessing and I'm going to love it as such.

GIRLS' CHOICE

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... stores are not only brimming with Christmas merchandise but they are already blaring Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and the like as well. You yourself may have already been tempted to bust out your old Bing Crosby CD and are singing along to his crooning seasonal swoon. I don't blame you one bit. Tis the season for fun and laughter and sharing with loved ones.

But with all the energy and excitement also comes that silly little pang in the Single Girl's chest that reminds her that she still isn't one of the "chosen" to be walking hand in hand down the lighted streets or entering her family party with that great guy on her arm. It's true... it can suck sometimes.

As I have yet to position myself back in dating world, I take a glance a few weeks into my future and recognize that once again I will be that single lady- sitting next to my tree at night with a solo cup of cocoa at the table.

As I was talking with my therapist about the impending heartache-filled season he said something to me that has changed my whole point of view and I couldn't be more Jolly about it!

"Peggy, if you really wanted to, you could find someone to snuggle up to this year. But if it's not the right timing to be dating for you and you know that, then you can make the choice to be single this year. Granted the other option sounds better- but in the long run, is it?"

Well kick my mistletoe Doc... you're right!

It's true, if I really wanted to, I could jump online or go to a bar or flirt with every single man I see in the grocery store... so that I could find some John Doe to "save me" from my pain and heartache. But knowing that I am not ready to be dating again after such a year, it would be silly of me to run into the arms of some random- whom I would probably be using just to have a warm body.

And even if you ARE in a place to be dating and have put yourself out there- still recognize that you are holding out for the best you could get- because truly, you could probably flirt with the toothless guy at the WalMart checkout and get a date. But you are seeking after something more complete than just a make-out buddy this year... and therefore you are choosing to stay single until "he" comes along, right?

Did you know that there is so much power in the concept of It's My Choice and actually mean it? The whole- To Act and Not Be Acted Upon (2Nephi 13) principle!

I have made the choice to be a single girl this Christmas and it has changed up my entire perspective about what this Season will mean for me in 2010!


There is a great scripture I found in 2Corinthians that has become my new Mantra:

2Corinthians 6:10: As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, as poor, yet making many rich, having nothing yet possessing all things.

Ladies, we have an opportunity to choose to be the Light in the lives of those around us- to utilize the fact that we are single- to serve and help and care for others in such a unique way. By choosing that this year will be a joy-filled year- man or no man is so much more powerful than we could ever realize.

So my challenge to you this year is to look to your upcoming Holiday Season with a new perspective and light and choose to be happy and make many rich!

Getting Back Up

I wrote this a few weeks ago and posted it on my "regular" blog- when life was still pretty foggy and hard. These words seemed to just pour out of me. More for my benefit than anyone else; it was like Heavenly Father was trying to speak to me, through this experience. I could feel his love for me stronger than ever as I read what was writing.

Since writing it, I have referred back to it several times. It's a constant reminder of the strength I have and from where that strength comes from. It reminds me that I am not alone, that Heavenly Father is in control. It reminds me that this too shall pass.

I decided to post it here because I know that I am not the only girl who has felt this kind of pain or struggled with feelings of sorrow. I hope it helps you too if and when you ever need it.


GETTING BACK UP

when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.

you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.

and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.

and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.

maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare

and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin

you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty

then one day, as you're laying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.

Please Help Me

they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.

and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully

then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.

i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me

it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more

you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine

you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.

what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?

then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.

i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better

but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?

you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...

WHY?

why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?

but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.

you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.

this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.

trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step

you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.

but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.

and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.

IN THE PRESENT: the principle of balance

I was having a great philosophically profound conversation with one of my good friends (what other kinds of conversation is there?) and we were discussing all sorts of important topics that have been on both of our minds these past few months.


As we talked, a principle that has been a recurring theme in my life came back into plain view- first thought- I am so blogging about this!


Balance
bal.ance [bal-uh ns]
noun, verb
1) a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.



Sure we all know and understand the Principle of Balance on an academic level and there are several directions I could take this little post... but for today's purpose I am referring to BEING IN THE PRESENT.


Having just gotten out of a relationship that has been a ginormous part of my life since moving back to Utah, I find myself in the strangest mental place. In my grieving process I found that it is soooooo way too easy to sit and dwell on the yesterday. Right?

Haven't we all been a little guilty of sitting around reminiscing and mulling and playing things out in our "brain movie" over and over and over again? Either that, or we sit and think too far in the future about the possible reuniting of said ex'd relationship? Or of finding hope in the thought of what will happen months from now?


And maybe you, lucky lady reader, aren't susceptible to these kinds of thoughts post-break-up, but maybe somewhere in your life you are doing this very thing... putting too much energy into the person you used to be or the person you want to become?


Or am I the only one that finds myself obsessing over the past and/or future?


So as I talked with my friend, we talked about how the only time I have felt at complete peace and happiness, through all of the pain and confusion, is when I focus on the NOW!

When I allow myself to think too far back... regretting, reminiscing, getting jealous of myself back then... I get thrown out of balance and spend the next few days trying to reign it back in. Similarly, if I allow myself to think too far in the future... planning, hoping, manipulating... I get the exact same result.

Just like trying to stay balanced on a beam... if you put too much weight in front of or behind your center of balance... you are at risk of falling!

I have had these discussions before, as I have been in this place before- and without a doubt the same direction not only comes from God above but from those loved ones around me- STAY IN THE PRESENT.

Focus on what you can do TODAY
Deal with the emotions you are feeling TODAY
Look for ways to make life better TODAY

And when I do this, peace fills my heart and I am no longer in distress. And good golly does it feel GREAT!

Staring At The Sun

You know how you can stare at something long enough and when you close your eyes you can see the black impression of the object on the backs of your eyes (or wherever you see it)? I've decided that being in a long-term relationship and ending it, is a lot like that.

For the longest time that person is "front and center" in your life. They are right there; pretty much all you can see... it's what being in love does to you right?

But then one day they are gone and they are no longer that real life object in front of you. And it's only when you close your eyes can you see that foggy impression of what used to be the object in front of your face every day. And when you open your eyes, it's not there anymore.

The problem is, the foggy image remains with you for a long time. Just like how sometimes when you've looked at something long and hard enough that impression takes a while to dissapate.

I have to be honest... I get impatient with that process. I wish I didn't see his image in EVERYTHING right now. I can't wait for the day when his image doesn't show up on the backs of my eyelids any more.

I think maybe I will go stare at the sun all day long and see if that helps!

Single Again

So... well... ummm... Hi everyone.

Guess who's back? Yep. Me. Single again.

It goes without saying that this is a hard post for me to write. I was actually hoping to leave my Single Girl Blog in the dust and not really be sad by never looking back! But, this is not the case and as such, I realize I need to do this.

This blog was born out of a desire to strengthen women... and who better to strengthen than myself right now? And it does... this blog gives me strength.

Christmas Eve 2009 I reconnected with the ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart last October. It was the last thing I expected. We spent the whole of this last year, dating and laughing and loving and getting engaged and planning a wedding and a life... and then... life happens.

So, almost a year to the day from last year, I find myself, once again, in this crazy single world.

No, gratefully, I am not bitter. Just sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to wish things were different (for a little while) and it's okay to hope for good things in the future.

I can do hard things... and I have been through worse.
I can pick myself up from the mud
I can find laughter and happiness even when it sucks
I can stay close to Heavenly Father, and believe that he is in control right now
I can take this time to connect with myself, love myself and take care of myself

I'm not exactly sure when I will feel normal again. I'm not really willing to push that fact either. I just want to lay back and let the river of life float me along for a season so that I can catch my breath and get strength back in my muscles so I can start swimming again... eventually.

So I am back. I am single again.

IT's THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

Today's Post is brought to you by my
TRUE CONFESSIONS

It was Halloween last night. I had a great time with my girlfriends. One of those moments where you look at yourself in the moment and you realize how truly blessed with amazing people your life really is. But with all of our fun and frivolity last night, I gotta be honest... I was a little grumpy. In fact, I was grumpy all day. I teach theater on Saturday's and I could even feel myself fighting off being grumpy with this class of funny teenagers whom I love!

It wasn't until I opened up about it to one of my friends that I actually pinpointed the source of my "ornery pants"... It was yet one more holiday I celebrated... SINGLE.

To my younger audience of women, I don't mean to exclude you here, but I remember those carefree days of my younger 20's when these types of thoughts never even crossed my mind, so you may or may not feel the weight of my next point but when I was getting my costume all put together I kept thinking...

"I don't want to dress up again and go to parties and flirt with dudes. I want to be at home with my husband and kids, making chili and getting the kids to settle down before we head out to trick or treat. I want to share these moments with them... my fictitious little family."

And now we are embarking on the best season of the whole year, the season where we focus on loved ones and family and laughter. I can't help but pay my respects to that small pang in my chest that calls out to the universe... PLEASE... don't let me be alone again this year.

So this week I have decided to focus all of my energies on finding hope in my future. Finding excitement in the things I am blessed to have this year. I have decided to prepare a veritable backpack full of positive energy NOW so that when Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years hit, I am filled with the spirit of happiness and hope and joy. With or without someone special to share them with.

Ladies, I know I'm not alone out here in what feels like a wasteland of things hoped for and not seen... but you should know, I pray for you... I really do. I know it's hard and this time of year seems to bear down with a weight we must fight off. But we will do it and if you trust in our Father in Heaven, he will make this year a very merry one indeed.

HURRY UP!!

If I have never admitted to this before, I will do so now... I am an EXTREMELY impatient girl.

+ I know that I am certainly not even close to being (nor would I be expected to be) ready to date again... but sometimes I actually get impatient with myself that I am not ready yet.

Please don't ask me to explain this because all I can come up with at this point is this: I have been in the land of heartbreak before, I know it very well, I hate being here, I'm tired of purging and processing and cleansing and reminiscing and all of it... I don't want to do this. EVER. AGAIN.

At this stage in my game of life I am certainly so very impatient with having to STILL be in the land of the single. I have to sometimes actually fight off the urge to roll my eyes and scoff when I get invited to go with a bunch of people from my ward to a haunted house-- oh golly gosh I sure do hope that one guy comes because maybe when he, and the ONLY OTHER DUDE that came, get finished flirting with all 10 of the other girls in the group-- maybe just maybe he will have time to pay attention to me!!

Please forgive the sarcasm, I guess this is just a yuck mood today. JUST SO IMPATIENT that this is still where I am after 30 years of living and breathing and serving and flirting and dating and churching and munch and mingling... sitting alone on a Friday night, posting my negative feelings on a blog meant for positivity, because I just didn't want to go out tonight!

This would be a good time for me to stop, because I don't want this rave to undermine everything I said (and still feel very strongly about) in my last post. Or how I feel in general.

Life Really Is Good-- I just want it to be even better-- Like Right NOW!

PLEASE-- someone tell me that I am not alone!