I DON'T DO RESOLUTIONS

Far be it from me to squash anyone's traditions. I think the idea of starting fresh with ones year is the best possible way to look out into the open range of possibilities with untouched days ahead.



I don't exactly remember when I started my own new tradition, but somewhere in my mid-20's it hit me that I really don't do New Year's Resolutions... and I never have. I am a goal-setter by nature and already constantly set new goals for myself when the need strikes me. So doing this on a day when its said to be "the day to do it" seems a little unnecessary for me. Besides, how many times do we hear it joked that I set the goal on January 1 and by February 20 I can't even remember what it was I pledge to do or not to do!? So, I just don't participate!



However, the older I've gotten, I noticed how each year seems to hold a theme for me. Because I am a believer that I have a Father in Heaven who is in tandem with the ins and outs of my life and my choices, I noticed that with each step I take he provides trials and adventures to carve out the lessons I am trying to learn as I go.



So for the past few years I have begun a tradition of my own that I much prefer to the stale Resolution Making. MY YEARLY THEME.



2008 was my "Year of Change"

2009 was my "Year of Adventure" and boy did I ever!

2010 was my "Get All My Ducks In A Row Year" because having a whole year dedicated to adventure can sometimes lead to little loose ends hanging around ones life. What a pain!



So this year, as I looked back on this past year... the things I've learned and the paths I've taken and I see need for certain lessons that would do me a world of good. I also see how I am on the "pride cycle" up-swing and have been doing a lot of better of going to Heavenly Father for things I need and for direction.



In my searches and scripture study, I came across a familiarly favorite story in the Book of Mormon about the Jaredites... I like to lovingly call them "Tight Like Unto a Dishers" (appropriately named for the boats they boarded and proceeded to spend just under a year in).



As you will recall, they construct these boats that look like to bowls one on top of the other, with a hole cut at the top and the bottom so that no matter what end they landed on they could always open a hole for fresh air when they surfaced. These boats had no Rutter's, no sails... not a single way to steer them. Really? When I think about it, how much faith it must have taken to climb aboard, shove off and pray that you won't get stuck out in the middle of the ocean for the rest of your life, right?!



On top of which, they were in the ocean for 340 some-odd days being, as it is described, tossed and turned on the waves, plummeted into the depths... for almost a whole year. But their amazing example showed that never did they give up their faith... never did they stop praising God, nor trusting in him. Sure I can imagine that they weren't happy, bubbly people all the time. I don't even want to know the foul language that would probably cross my lips as for the 100th time I was getting tossed back and forth. But to trust enough that you know that at the end of all of that comes a land that was promised to provide happiness for you, provides the praise Heavenly Father is worthy of. I am humbled just thinking about it.



And true to his word, he guided that boat to the Promised Land. Never once did he stop those boats from headed in the proper direction.



So, here I embark on a journey I know has been carved out just for me. I don't have the slightest clue where I am headed or how I am going to get there; only that God has promised me something amazing at the end of all of it. I know that it's not going to come without some challenges and painful things... but if I've learned anything from the Jaredites, it's to have patience and keep praising the Lord and trusting that he knows what he is doing.



Okay, without further ado, I announce to this little blog my upcoming Yearly Theme:



2011 is going to be my Tight Like Unto A Dish Year! Okay, so stop laughing at the name. It may not be the prettiest name... but it means so much to me! I can't wait to see where I'm going this time!

A Single Girl Thanksgiving (4)

Audria
older than I look
New England

As one who has been single much longer than I ever anticipated, I have gone through many phases of 'ok with my singleness'. I have had a few opportunities slip through my fingers. Each recovery was different. Each experience taught me something different. Most I am now grateful did end. The one that truly broke my heart and devastated me continues to teach me. It still makes me wonder about the purpose and order of things. In the end, I realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have the time to discover me, blessed to have the time to overcome the baggage of childhood and adolescence. Blessed to have the chance to become better...more of who I want to be. Blessed to have the opportunity to live and love and serve freely. I know that these things can be learned and experienced regardless of marital status. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father knows me and knew that the road He has taken me on was the best way for me to learn all of this and prepare me for all that is to come. There is so much yet to come, single or together.

Love On Your Own Terms

It was a cold winter's day, and this single girl was bustling about getting ready for a night on the town when her phone rang. Without even looking at the caller ID on her phone she picked up the phone,

"Hello Peggy, this is Bishop Olson (former bish). I missed a call from you, was that a pocket dial or did you mean to get in touch?"

"Oh, oops Bishop, it looks as though I did accidentally call you."

We chatted for a bit, and he asked how I was. I told him about calling off the wedding and filled him in on a few particulars and... then he said something... and that something has been rattling around in my head ever since. It's the kind of something that shifts ones paradigm. A something that stays with you forever.

"You know Peggy, you are so wonderful that I have no doubt that you will be able to find love on your own terms."

It was such a small and simple phrase- one would hardly think much of it. And yet, I did... and then as I pondered, I realized how much I needed to hear that in that very moment. AMAZING!

Love on my own terms. Have I not done that in the past? Well, yes... and no.

What does finding love on my own terms look like? What does that really mean?

Here's what I've come up with:

I have dated several men in my 31 years of life. Some have been good church going men, others have not. Some have been on the fence about their testimony and others don't even know what a testimony is. But in all my experience, all my mistakes, all of my own growth spurts I began to realize what MY testimony is... and within that context I realize not only how I want to live my life, but how I plan to raise my family as well.

The thing about dating men who either aren't a member of the LDS church, or even those who don't really follow its teachings (even if they are of the LDS persuasion) is that they really aren't in a place to live life along my side in a balanced and shared way. I don't mean to say that I am better than they are; that's not it AT ALL. Yes I have been on both sides of the coin, so obviously I can live knowing that really good people can sometimes find themselves making really huge mistakes. So it has nothing do to with someone being good or not- more of a question of how they live their life and what they want out of it.

The best question you can ask yourself when thinking about marrying someone is "if this person NEVER changed from today- could you live with all that they are?"

So I suppose I have found myself in past relationships with men who either couldn't or didn't want to give me the life that I dreamed of for myself: Big flashy cars, lots of extra cash for botox visits and massages by men named Sergio... oh... I mean...

A Loving home filled with laughter, Respect, Integrity and all of it centered around the Church to which I subscribe all of my beliefs.

People's weakness and shortcomings are all part of that package too... that's life right?- just so long as the fundamentals are there... that is what I want. Those are my terms. I shouldn't ever settle for less than that.

And so, as I move on with my life. As I look toward my future and the things I pray for- I know that God will bless me with a man who can and will give me all of the things I have ever dreamed of... LOVE ON MY OWN TERMS baby! That's so sexy!

A Single Girl Thanksgiving (4)

[so sorry for the delay... it's been way busier than i thought]



Katie
29
Utah

As a single, white female, I’m most grateful for time. Time to develop myself—to discover who I am and then rediscover me again. Time to learn. The knowledge I’m gaining since all my time is mine is something I would never trade, as well as something I hope I don’t ever take for granted or waste.


I’m learning vital life skills, like how to love and forgive myself and others, how to cook real meals that make me feel amazing, how to better understand human behavior and vulnerabilities, how to successfully communicate, how to speak other languages and experience other cultures, and how to best help children develop, feel safe, and receive love. While being single I can study and learn whatever I want and be whoever I want! Not to mention, I get to sleep 9 hours a night, teach refugee kids how to read, put my all into grad school and completely change careers, go to a midnight movie, have mad crushes on 20-year-olds and 40-year-olds at the same time, and do water aerobics with grandmas while looking hot in my swimsuit. I am becoming and celebrating and savoring each and every day. I am so blessed to be single!

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING (3)

Colleen
26
Boston, Massachusetts, USA
I am grateful that I can follow my dreams. If I decide I want to fly across the country, "just because," I can. If I decide I want to go see Harry Potter for the second time in 3 days in the middle of the night, I can. If I decide I want to get my master's degree while working full time and seeing my amazing friends every single night, I can. And if I decide I want to kiss someone, anyone, I can. It is an amazing freedom. I love being single.


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Katie
34
Colorado Springs, Colorado


I am very thankful that while the holidays can really stress people out, I have the freedom, disposal income, and flexible job that all allow me to spend Thanksgiving on the beaches of Panama with some dear girlfriends. And because I haven't given birth yet-I will look pretty good in that swimsuit!


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Cara
30
Arlington, VA
I am grateful being single because it has given me the opportunity to live, interact and learn from many other amazing, strong, talented and insightful single individuals! It's like a "family" of singles :)

Feel more than free to not use it :) But, I do look forward to reading your posts!!

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING (2)

Amber
Age 25
Nebraska

I'm thankful for my two years I spent in Korea, exploring food, culture and military men!


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Emily
Age 30
Utah


What I Love About Being Single


There probably aren't many things more challenging than being a single mom. I do it all and I do it alone... and sometimes, that's tough. I miss having someone to share the workload and then wrap his arms around me when we're tucked into bed at night, to tell me everything is going to be okay after I've had a particularly rough day. I miss someone who will do the manly jobs around the house and take care of my car when it needs repairs. What I don't miss--well, that's another story.


What I love about being single is the HOPE. I came from a relationship where hope had died, and my future looked pretty bleak. On the single side of things, there's at least the possibility, the potential, for some amazing person to enter my life who is my perfect companion, the puzzle piece that fits right into me and all of who I am. I love having a reason to get dressed up every day, because every day is an opportunity to meet that someone; and when I do, I hope I dazzle him. I love the spark of those first encounters, the flirting, and the way my stomach flutters when someone cute asks for my number. I love it even more when he actually calls. I love the holding hands and the first kisses.


I also love the freedom to wear no makeup and lay around in my sweats sometimes when I'm home, because there's no one to impress. I love that there's no one to see my mess when I don't feel like cleaning. I also love that NOT having a man around to do the manly job and take care of my car when it needs repairs means that I am forced to do those things myself. There's something empowering about staring down a challenge or an obstacle, especially an unfamiliar one, and finding somewhere inside me the resourcefulness, the strength, the stick-to-it-iveness, or the gumption to do what I've never done before or didn't think I actually could do. Being single has taught me that I CAN be single. When the time is right for me to be in a relationship again, I won't choose it out of fear, because being single has taught me that I can do it alone. I just don't want to.


Because there's still something amazing about having someone to share your life with.


---------------------------------------------


Brooke
Age 31
Magna, Utah, United States of America

I love being single to the point that it bothers my married friends. They seem to get offended that I can just up and go whenever and to wherever I want, without getting permission from someone else. Also, there are no nagging phone calls when I'm out late or frustrated sighs when I want to go somewhere.

Being single means I can do 'manly' things without being told how to do it the "right way". When I finish those things, like installing up a pull-up bar, I feel self-reliant and my self-esteem is boosted.

I have a lot of time to better myself for me and not someone else.

I don't like to cuddle, so having the entire bed to myself is a great treat.

All-in-all it's a blessing that makes me...well me.

A SINGLE GIRL THANKSGIVING

It was a few weeks ago, in the shower, that I had an idea. I was mulling over the many blessings I had been given and realized that being single- in its own right- is a blessing. I started thinking about all the many things that I have because of my Marital Status (or lack thereof) and then I wondered what others would have to say... so I asked.

This entire week is devoted to Giving Thanks, a Shout-Out if you will, to our single lives as women! There is joy in recognizing that we truly are given so much! Each day I will share with you what some amazing single ladies had to say about their single lives.

If you would like to join, please email me at: singlewhitechick@gmail.com


Monday November 22, 2011:


Peggy
31
Salt Lake City, UT

+ I am grateful to sleep in on a Saturday without any little nuggets tugging on my arm to make breakfast.

+ I am grateful that I have had the time and the means and the freedom to travel and explore the world around me- to meet people I would never have met. I have a full and fun life that I will get to share with my children.

+ I am grateful to the men I have dated over these past 31 years- each one has brought something good and unique into my life- they have taught me so much about myself in a way that I never would have learned in any other way. Some have shown me what it looks like to be truly loved and others have taught me what it looks like when I'm not. Because of each of them, I am better prepared for the marriage I am hopeful to obtain somewhere in my future.

+ I am grateful to get to know myself without too much distraction. I found out that I really like who I am. I learned to appreciate my weaknesses for what they are and learned to be appreciative of my strengths. I know what makes me happy and sad and know that it's okay to give and to receive. I love my body, inside and out, thick or thin, perfect and imperfect. It's been really great getting to know Peggy- she's pretty awesome.

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Marjorie
28
Salt Lake City, UT
USA
I am grateful that while I am single I get to use all of the hot water for myself :)

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Angie
29
Sandy, UT, USA

I am grateful to be single because:
I can do what I want, whenever I want.
I can spend my money on whatever I want.
I control the tv...Grey's Anatomy vs random sports game I don't care about? No contest in my house (see number 1 of this list).
I don't need a babysitter to go to the gym, or anywhere else for that matter. I can just hop in my car and go.
Road trip anytime, no problem.
Girl's nights with no curfew.
No awkward in-law relationships.
Late-night movies just because.
And last but not least, I'm grateful to be single because it is a blessing. God just doesn't hand out punishments willy nilly, such as you don't get to be married because I'm punishing you. God wants to bless us, so being single must be a blessing and I'm going to love it as such.

GIRLS' CHOICE

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... stores are not only brimming with Christmas merchandise but they are already blaring Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer and the like as well. You yourself may have already been tempted to bust out your old Bing Crosby CD and are singing along to his crooning seasonal swoon. I don't blame you one bit. Tis the season for fun and laughter and sharing with loved ones.

But with all the energy and excitement also comes that silly little pang in the Single Girl's chest that reminds her that she still isn't one of the "chosen" to be walking hand in hand down the lighted streets or entering her family party with that great guy on her arm. It's true... it can suck sometimes.

As I have yet to position myself back in dating world, I take a glance a few weeks into my future and recognize that once again I will be that single lady- sitting next to my tree at night with a solo cup of cocoa at the table.

As I was talking with my therapist about the impending heartache-filled season he said something to me that has changed my whole point of view and I couldn't be more Jolly about it!

"Peggy, if you really wanted to, you could find someone to snuggle up to this year. But if it's not the right timing to be dating for you and you know that, then you can make the choice to be single this year. Granted the other option sounds better- but in the long run, is it?"

Well kick my mistletoe Doc... you're right!

It's true, if I really wanted to, I could jump online or go to a bar or flirt with every single man I see in the grocery store... so that I could find some John Doe to "save me" from my pain and heartache. But knowing that I am not ready to be dating again after such a year, it would be silly of me to run into the arms of some random- whom I would probably be using just to have a warm body.

And even if you ARE in a place to be dating and have put yourself out there- still recognize that you are holding out for the best you could get- because truly, you could probably flirt with the toothless guy at the WalMart checkout and get a date. But you are seeking after something more complete than just a make-out buddy this year... and therefore you are choosing to stay single until "he" comes along, right?

Did you know that there is so much power in the concept of It's My Choice and actually mean it? The whole- To Act and Not Be Acted Upon (2Nephi 13) principle!

I have made the choice to be a single girl this Christmas and it has changed up my entire perspective about what this Season will mean for me in 2010!


There is a great scripture I found in 2Corinthians that has become my new Mantra:

2Corinthians 6:10: As sorrowful, yet always rejoicing, as poor, yet making many rich, having nothing yet possessing all things.

Ladies, we have an opportunity to choose to be the Light in the lives of those around us- to utilize the fact that we are single- to serve and help and care for others in such a unique way. By choosing that this year will be a joy-filled year- man or no man is so much more powerful than we could ever realize.

So my challenge to you this year is to look to your upcoming Holiday Season with a new perspective and light and choose to be happy and make many rich!

Getting Back Up

I wrote this a few weeks ago and posted it on my "regular" blog- when life was still pretty foggy and hard. These words seemed to just pour out of me. More for my benefit than anyone else; it was like Heavenly Father was trying to speak to me, through this experience. I could feel his love for me stronger than ever as I read what was writing.

Since writing it, I have referred back to it several times. It's a constant reminder of the strength I have and from where that strength comes from. It reminds me that I am not alone, that Heavenly Father is in control. It reminds me that this too shall pass.

I decided to post it here because I know that I am not the only girl who has felt this kind of pain or struggled with feelings of sorrow. I hope it helps you too if and when you ever need it.


GETTING BACK UP

when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.

you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.

and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.

and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.

maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare

and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin

you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty

then one day, as you're laying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.

Please Help Me

they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.

and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully

then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.

i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me

it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more

you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine

you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.

what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?

then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.

i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better

but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?

you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...

WHY?

why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?

but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.

you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.

this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.

trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step

you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.

but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.

and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.

IN THE PRESENT: the principle of balance

I was having a great philosophically profound conversation with one of my good friends (what other kinds of conversation is there?) and we were discussing all sorts of important topics that have been on both of our minds these past few months.


As we talked, a principle that has been a recurring theme in my life came back into plain view- first thought- I am so blogging about this!


Balance
bal.ance [bal-uh ns]
noun, verb
1) a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.



Sure we all know and understand the Principle of Balance on an academic level and there are several directions I could take this little post... but for today's purpose I am referring to BEING IN THE PRESENT.


Having just gotten out of a relationship that has been a ginormous part of my life since moving back to Utah, I find myself in the strangest mental place. In my grieving process I found that it is soooooo way too easy to sit and dwell on the yesterday. Right?

Haven't we all been a little guilty of sitting around reminiscing and mulling and playing things out in our "brain movie" over and over and over again? Either that, or we sit and think too far in the future about the possible reuniting of said ex'd relationship? Or of finding hope in the thought of what will happen months from now?


And maybe you, lucky lady reader, aren't susceptible to these kinds of thoughts post-break-up, but maybe somewhere in your life you are doing this very thing... putting too much energy into the person you used to be or the person you want to become?


Or am I the only one that finds myself obsessing over the past and/or future?


So as I talked with my friend, we talked about how the only time I have felt at complete peace and happiness, through all of the pain and confusion, is when I focus on the NOW!

When I allow myself to think too far back... regretting, reminiscing, getting jealous of myself back then... I get thrown out of balance and spend the next few days trying to reign it back in. Similarly, if I allow myself to think too far in the future... planning, hoping, manipulating... I get the exact same result.

Just like trying to stay balanced on a beam... if you put too much weight in front of or behind your center of balance... you are at risk of falling!

I have had these discussions before, as I have been in this place before- and without a doubt the same direction not only comes from God above but from those loved ones around me- STAY IN THE PRESENT.

Focus on what you can do TODAY
Deal with the emotions you are feeling TODAY
Look for ways to make life better TODAY

And when I do this, peace fills my heart and I am no longer in distress. And good golly does it feel GREAT!

Staring At The Sun

You know how you can stare at something long enough and when you close your eyes you can see the black impression of the object on the backs of your eyes (or wherever you see it)? I've decided that being in a long-term relationship and ending it, is a lot like that.

For the longest time that person is "front and center" in your life. They are right there; pretty much all you can see... it's what being in love does to you right?

But then one day they are gone and they are no longer that real life object in front of you. And it's only when you close your eyes can you see that foggy impression of what used to be the object in front of your face every day. And when you open your eyes, it's not there anymore.

The problem is, the foggy image remains with you for a long time. Just like how sometimes when you've looked at something long and hard enough that impression takes a while to dissapate.

I have to be honest... I get impatient with that process. I wish I didn't see his image in EVERYTHING right now. I can't wait for the day when his image doesn't show up on the backs of my eyelids any more.

I think maybe I will go stare at the sun all day long and see if that helps!

Single Again

So... well... ummm... Hi everyone.

Guess who's back? Yep. Me. Single again.

It goes without saying that this is a hard post for me to write. I was actually hoping to leave my Single Girl Blog in the dust and not really be sad by never looking back! But, this is not the case and as such, I realize I need to do this.

This blog was born out of a desire to strengthen women... and who better to strengthen than myself right now? And it does... this blog gives me strength.

Christmas Eve 2009 I reconnected with the ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart last October. It was the last thing I expected. We spent the whole of this last year, dating and laughing and loving and getting engaged and planning a wedding and a life... and then... life happens.

So, almost a year to the day from last year, I find myself, once again, in this crazy single world.

No, gratefully, I am not bitter. Just sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to wish things were different (for a little while) and it's okay to hope for good things in the future.

I can do hard things... and I have been through worse.
I can pick myself up from the mud
I can find laughter and happiness even when it sucks
I can stay close to Heavenly Father, and believe that he is in control right now
I can take this time to connect with myself, love myself and take care of myself

I'm not exactly sure when I will feel normal again. I'm not really willing to push that fact either. I just want to lay back and let the river of life float me along for a season so that I can catch my breath and get strength back in my muscles so I can start swimming again... eventually.

So I am back. I am single again.