A Word About The Previous Post

Hi Internet World, how are you today? We don't really know each other do we... so why post such personal feelings online where anyone could read it and in turn take from it what they will?

The answer? I'm not sure.

Maybe it's a mixture of therapeutic writing and sending it into the universe where someone might read and understand just how you feel. Maybe it's because even though the cyber-world is vast and unpredictable it still feels like you are never really quite alone.

So my last post- Personal? Yes. Poetic? Possibly.

I have really strong feelings not only about why I wrote it but also why I chose to post it.

I have been really hard on myself lately. Ending a relationship with someone NEVER helps in that department. I'm also the kind of gal that never ever gives herself enough credit for the good she does... I'm always brushing that part of it aside and then off to the next task.

So the other day I was filing through some pictures when I came across a picture of me in the hospital just after I had donated my kidney to my little sister. My face was puffy and I was attached to oxygen, but in True Peggy Fashion I tried to muster a smile whilst in so much pain so that it would be a somewhat decent picture... HA!

In any case, something about THAT picture stopped me into silence. I looked at this woman as if she wasn't myself. I thought about what she had just done, how much pain she must be in and I started to cry for her sacrifice. My heart went out to her. That's what got me thinking.

If I could say anything to myself as if she were just a good friend and not myself, what would I say? Knowing her struggles, knowing those moments that no one sees, knowing her hopes and needs... what would she need to hear?

So I started to write. It was 100% cathartic and healing. It's A-MAZING what it felt like to love myself like that for a minute. To praise myself for good deeds and getting over hard things. To urge her on and cheer her effort. It did a body good!

Ladies, the reason I posted this is because what would this world look like if all of us did a better job of showering ourselves with some lovin'? What would it do for you if today you too wrote yourself a letter of appreciation and encouragement? If you truly the the rain of awesome words fall upon yourselves with understanding and admiration for the person you are the good that you do?

DO IT! No, seriously... stop reading this blog right this second and go do it. You think I'm kidding... get out of here!

I can only assume no one is reading any more... that's RAD!

Paying Homage... To Me, From Me

Dear Peggy,

I have been thinking about you lately; looking at you from a distance and I wanted to write to you to let you know how much I love you.

I've seen how you've handled some very painful moments in your life, taken note of the people you care about and whom you've tried to love and give service to. I've seen you run yourself into the ground trying to go and do and stay active in your community and church and active with the things you love. One of these days, you will learn to do a better job of balancing your life so that you don't find yourself running out of steam every other month. You know as well as I do that it isn't healthy to run at the rate you do.

I've also been there to see the quiet moments that no one but you and I share.. the times you cried yourself to sleep on those lonely nights filled with pain, regret, and an ache for things hoped for but not seen. I've seen the tears for the heartaches and disappointments and cried with you for all of the bad decisions others have made that have affected your life in such a painful way.

I've watched you pray to a Father in Heaven for strength and patience and peace. I've seen those times when you followed His direction and listened to his voice and I've also seen those times when you got stubborn and prideful and not only pushed him away but pushed everyone around you away. I know you have a hard time letting people in to see the pain Peggy, but don't forget that only good can come from being open and asking for help.

When I look at you, I am so proud of the things you've done with your life. I look at your travels... to Boston, Italy... and the hardest move yet... back to Utah. You've touched so many lives and made so many life-long friends. You've shared your testimony in a unique and warm way that allowed people from all walks of life to feel your love for them, no matter what they believe. You've taken your talents with children and brought laughter and freedom to be creative to their little lives.

Coolest of all Peggy, you didn't even bat an eyelash when the call came, asking you to consider donating your kidney to your sister. I know how scary it was, how flipped upside down your life became as you prepared to donate, how challenging those months of recovery were. But look at you now, you are healthy and have a strong body... and best part yet, you can be so proud of your "little kidney that could" who has done a stellar job of helping your sister to be rock-star healthy.

My favorite thing about you, though, is your ability to see the humor in life, your resiliency and determination to stay positive, no matter what happens to you. You've done well my friend and you will continue to move through life with grace because you choose to see that there is indeed good in this life and in this world. You choose to see that even though people may do really stupid things (sometimes things that have hurt you beyond belief), that they too are coming from their own pain and are usually only trying to do their best with what they've got inside of them.

Keep that head of yours held high, knowing that you are an amazing woman. One who is capable of loving with her whole heart, who would go to bat for anyone of her peeps, who is going to make the best of her life, no matter what happens. You should be told how much you are loved and appreciated on a regular basis, mostly from me... I'm sorry that I don't do that very often. I'm sorry that I can be your hardest critic and your enabler of negativity. I promise to do a better job of appreciating you and making sure you are aware just how much I love you.

You are truly amazing and I am so lucky to know you.

Love you my friend,
Peggy

TODAY...

Today I was sick... in bed all day long with a fever
It slowed me down and left me with many thoughts
I have been running too fast to think these thoughts
They caught up to me Today
I went on a walk... the sun came out
So did my tears
No one was there to share them with me
Except the cold wind and the rushing river
I let them fall freely
Loneliness has been my new roommate lately
It replaced the space that the heartache left behind
It brings its own brand of self awareness and pain
I spoke to Heavenly Father about it
I try really hard not to get angry with Him at my life circumstances
I do plead with him for understanding though
Because sometime all I can say is... REALLY?
As I walked back to my place I looked around
I was alone in Memory Grove
How appropriate
My sad solitude turned to peace
I took a deep breath of frozen air
Then crawled back into bed