Getting Back Up

I wrote this a few weeks ago and posted it on my "regular" blog- when life was still pretty foggy and hard. These words seemed to just pour out of me. More for my benefit than anyone else; it was like Heavenly Father was trying to speak to me, through this experience. I could feel his love for me stronger than ever as I read what was writing.

Since writing it, I have referred back to it several times. It's a constant reminder of the strength I have and from where that strength comes from. It reminds me that I am not alone, that Heavenly Father is in control. It reminds me that this too shall pass.

I decided to post it here because I know that I am not the only girl who has felt this kind of pain or struggled with feelings of sorrow. I hope it helps you too if and when you ever need it.


GETTING BACK UP

when one experiences hard things, the kind of hard that seems beat you to a pulp and knock you onto your back, the only thing you can do for a while is lay there.

you feel weak.
you feel despondent.
you feel like the pain will never go away.

and you know what? it's okay to lay there for a while.

and while you're lying there all sorts of things cross your mind.

maybe i will just stay down here- it would be so much easier
maybe i will find something easy to run to and maybe just maybe the pain will go away
maybe i will close my eyes and all of this will have just been a horrible nightmare

and after you've thought all these thinks, the thinks decide they need to come out and you begin

you talk to people... friends, family, therapist, bishop, co-workers
you talk to the wall
you talk when you're in your car all by yourself
you say horrible things, sad things, hurtful things, angry things
you say things about the past, the present... the future that seems so empty

then one day, as you're laying there, flat on your back, feeling the hot tears trickle down your face for the 100th time, you finally look up at the ceiling and you cry out to the God you believe in and you say the last words you can possibly think of to say.

Please Help Me

they seem to fall out of your mouth in a whisper. light on your lips-- because you are too weak to say it any louder or with any more conviction.

and then you wait, quietly... delicately... hopefully

then, just when you thought it would never come-- it comes -- it starts in your head. it's quiet at first; you almost can't hear it or understand. you wonder if you're just making it up. but ever so softly you do.

i love you my daughter
you are not alone
you are worth more than all the gold in the world to me

it takes your breath away at first. you almost don't dare to believe it... but you so badly want to believe it. so you let it sit with you for a while. then without warning, you get more

you do have the strength to do this, you know
you are made of the finest i could give
you will be blessed with more than you can imagine

you sit up. did you hear that right? you start to think about it again. you refuse to let yourself really truly grasp anything just yet. you're still too stunned. you speak back.

what does that mean?
what could you possibly give me that would take ALL this pain away?
what could you do to make me feel like i am normal again?

then you look around and notice that not only are you not crying anymore, but you've been able to sit up without much effort on your part. you are stunned for a minute. you are tempted to lie back down. it felt so much better letting your head hang low. but then it comes again.

i have work for you my gifted child
i have given you unique things that will make a difference
i have all the intention of using those strengths to make your life better

but... but... what about all the things you said i could have? huh? what about those?

you stand up out of anger and with bitter tears and all the disappointment and the fear and the hurt you scream up at him...

WHY?

why can't i have what i want?
why did you do this to me?
why am i still here, after all i've tried to become?

but that understanding voice comes back to you. he knows. he understands. he hurts just as much as you do. pain is the last thing he wants for you... but he also knows that through this pain comes strength... and he needs you to be strong.

you can't see everything i see
you can't even imagine what i have in store
you can do this, i promise
and look... you are standing... and you didn't think you could even do that.

this time you are shocked. you? you have the strength to stand on your own again? you look around, you feel a bit dizzy, you feel like maybe you'll fall again and be right back where you started. you don't trust this position just yet. you look back up. you stand there for the longest time. waiting... out of fear... not wanting to move. gently he prompts.

trust me and follow me
trust me and i will make weak things become strong
trust me and i will bless each step you take
come on now... take that fist step

you start to move your foot and realize that the pain is still very acute. it's not possible. you can't do this. it hurts. you're still sad. you're still weak.

but you are up. you got up, and you didn't even think you could do that. and as you take each step, your courage and faith and strength will grow. and each step will become easier. the wounds will heal and your heart will begin to open.

and years from now you will be so far away from where you landed that you won't be able to see it anymore. and you'll look at those scars and raise them to God and give thanks.

IN THE PRESENT: the principle of balance

I was having a great philosophically profound conversation with one of my good friends (what other kinds of conversation is there?) and we were discussing all sorts of important topics that have been on both of our minds these past few months.


As we talked, a principle that has been a recurring theme in my life came back into plain view- first thought- I am so blogging about this!


Balance
bal.ance [bal-uh ns]
noun, verb
1) a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc.



Sure we all know and understand the Principle of Balance on an academic level and there are several directions I could take this little post... but for today's purpose I am referring to BEING IN THE PRESENT.


Having just gotten out of a relationship that has been a ginormous part of my life since moving back to Utah, I find myself in the strangest mental place. In my grieving process I found that it is soooooo way too easy to sit and dwell on the yesterday. Right?

Haven't we all been a little guilty of sitting around reminiscing and mulling and playing things out in our "brain movie" over and over and over again? Either that, or we sit and think too far in the future about the possible reuniting of said ex'd relationship? Or of finding hope in the thought of what will happen months from now?


And maybe you, lucky lady reader, aren't susceptible to these kinds of thoughts post-break-up, but maybe somewhere in your life you are doing this very thing... putting too much energy into the person you used to be or the person you want to become?


Or am I the only one that finds myself obsessing over the past and/or future?


So as I talked with my friend, we talked about how the only time I have felt at complete peace and happiness, through all of the pain and confusion, is when I focus on the NOW!

When I allow myself to think too far back... regretting, reminiscing, getting jealous of myself back then... I get thrown out of balance and spend the next few days trying to reign it back in. Similarly, if I allow myself to think too far in the future... planning, hoping, manipulating... I get the exact same result.

Just like trying to stay balanced on a beam... if you put too much weight in front of or behind your center of balance... you are at risk of falling!

I have had these discussions before, as I have been in this place before- and without a doubt the same direction not only comes from God above but from those loved ones around me- STAY IN THE PRESENT.

Focus on what you can do TODAY
Deal with the emotions you are feeling TODAY
Look for ways to make life better TODAY

And when I do this, peace fills my heart and I am no longer in distress. And good golly does it feel GREAT!

Staring At The Sun

You know how you can stare at something long enough and when you close your eyes you can see the black impression of the object on the backs of your eyes (or wherever you see it)? I've decided that being in a long-term relationship and ending it, is a lot like that.

For the longest time that person is "front and center" in your life. They are right there; pretty much all you can see... it's what being in love does to you right?

But then one day they are gone and they are no longer that real life object in front of you. And it's only when you close your eyes can you see that foggy impression of what used to be the object in front of your face every day. And when you open your eyes, it's not there anymore.

The problem is, the foggy image remains with you for a long time. Just like how sometimes when you've looked at something long and hard enough that impression takes a while to dissapate.

I have to be honest... I get impatient with that process. I wish I didn't see his image in EVERYTHING right now. I can't wait for the day when his image doesn't show up on the backs of my eyelids any more.

I think maybe I will go stare at the sun all day long and see if that helps!

Single Again

So... well... ummm... Hi everyone.

Guess who's back? Yep. Me. Single again.

It goes without saying that this is a hard post for me to write. I was actually hoping to leave my Single Girl Blog in the dust and not really be sad by never looking back! But, this is not the case and as such, I realize I need to do this.

This blog was born out of a desire to strengthen women... and who better to strengthen than myself right now? And it does... this blog gives me strength.

Christmas Eve 2009 I reconnected with the ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart last October. It was the last thing I expected. We spent the whole of this last year, dating and laughing and loving and getting engaged and planning a wedding and a life... and then... life happens.

So, almost a year to the day from last year, I find myself, once again, in this crazy single world.

No, gratefully, I am not bitter. Just sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to wish things were different (for a little while) and it's okay to hope for good things in the future.

I can do hard things... and I have been through worse.
I can pick myself up from the mud
I can find laughter and happiness even when it sucks
I can stay close to Heavenly Father, and believe that he is in control right now
I can take this time to connect with myself, love myself and take care of myself

I'm not exactly sure when I will feel normal again. I'm not really willing to push that fact either. I just want to lay back and let the river of life float me along for a season so that I can catch my breath and get strength back in my muscles so I can start swimming again... eventually.

So I am back. I am single again.

IT's THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

Today's Post is brought to you by my
TRUE CONFESSIONS

It was Halloween last night. I had a great time with my girlfriends. One of those moments where you look at yourself in the moment and you realize how truly blessed with amazing people your life really is. But with all of our fun and frivolity last night, I gotta be honest... I was a little grumpy. In fact, I was grumpy all day. I teach theater on Saturday's and I could even feel myself fighting off being grumpy with this class of funny teenagers whom I love!

It wasn't until I opened up about it to one of my friends that I actually pinpointed the source of my "ornery pants"... It was yet one more holiday I celebrated... SINGLE.

To my younger audience of women, I don't mean to exclude you here, but I remember those carefree days of my younger 20's when these types of thoughts never even crossed my mind, so you may or may not feel the weight of my next point but when I was getting my costume all put together I kept thinking...

"I don't want to dress up again and go to parties and flirt with dudes. I want to be at home with my husband and kids, making chili and getting the kids to settle down before we head out to trick or treat. I want to share these moments with them... my fictitious little family."

And now we are embarking on the best season of the whole year, the season where we focus on loved ones and family and laughter. I can't help but pay my respects to that small pang in my chest that calls out to the universe... PLEASE... don't let me be alone again this year.

So this week I have decided to focus all of my energies on finding hope in my future. Finding excitement in the things I am blessed to have this year. I have decided to prepare a veritable backpack full of positive energy NOW so that when Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years hit, I am filled with the spirit of happiness and hope and joy. With or without someone special to share them with.

Ladies, I know I'm not alone out here in what feels like a wasteland of things hoped for and not seen... but you should know, I pray for you... I really do. I know it's hard and this time of year seems to bear down with a weight we must fight off. But we will do it and if you trust in our Father in Heaven, he will make this year a very merry one indeed.

HURRY UP!!

If I have never admitted to this before, I will do so now... I am an EXTREMELY impatient girl.

+ I know that I am certainly not even close to being (nor would I be expected to be) ready to date again... but sometimes I actually get impatient with myself that I am not ready yet.

Please don't ask me to explain this because all I can come up with at this point is this: I have been in the land of heartbreak before, I know it very well, I hate being here, I'm tired of purging and processing and cleansing and reminiscing and all of it... I don't want to do this. EVER. AGAIN.

At this stage in my game of life I am certainly so very impatient with having to STILL be in the land of the single. I have to sometimes actually fight off the urge to roll my eyes and scoff when I get invited to go with a bunch of people from my ward to a haunted house-- oh golly gosh I sure do hope that one guy comes because maybe when he, and the ONLY OTHER DUDE that came, get finished flirting with all 10 of the other girls in the group-- maybe just maybe he will have time to pay attention to me!!

Please forgive the sarcasm, I guess this is just a yuck mood today. JUST SO IMPATIENT that this is still where I am after 30 years of living and breathing and serving and flirting and dating and churching and munch and mingling... sitting alone on a Friday night, posting my negative feelings on a blog meant for positivity, because I just didn't want to go out tonight!

This would be a good time for me to stop, because I don't want this rave to undermine everything I said (and still feel very strongly about) in my last post. Or how I feel in general.

Life Really Is Good-- I just want it to be even better-- Like Right NOW!

PLEASE-- someone tell me that I am not alone!

PEGGY's LIST

So I was doing research on a certain topic on the LDS WEBSITE and each time I typed the particular words into the search engine, to help me find the inspiration I was looking for, this same little story from The Friend Magazine kept coming up.

Harold's list, in it's own right, is so very profound yet it is oozing with sugary, gooey white bread and warm milk churchy goodness (wow, how many adjectives can I squeeze into one analogy!?) For a full read go HERE to check out the story, but if you'd rather not, I will give you the best darn Cliff Notes version I can.

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Everything BAD happens to Harold. Think "The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" type plot line. Finally when he thinks that it just can't get any worse, he slips and falls on his backpack, smushing his lunch and dousing his book report with the contents of his juice box. Mr Grumpy then walks into class in a huff and when approached by his teacher, lists all of the horrible things that ALWAYS happen to him. In her attempt to teach him a valuable lesson, she asks him to write a list of EVERYTHING that happens to him that day-- the good and the bad. AND... just like in every J-Lo Rom-Com movie, you can see right where this little story is headed. You guessed it, Harold becomes aware that good things DO happen- he just wasn't looking at it from that perspective. TA-DAH! End scene.

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Anyhoo, as you can tell by the fact that I am posting about this, our little story got me thinking about my own perspectives and whether they lead me to looking for the Amazing or the Crappy things in my life. Gotta be pretty honest, I can sometimes be a "down in the dumps" kind of girl. It's true. If I were to put my grumpy glasses on and look back at the past 3 years of my life, I would bore you to tears with all the bad things that have happened to me-- you may even think that I am making half of it up.

BUT

As I have been looking at my life these last few days, and let me tell you I have room to complain here, I have actually found myself being overwhelmed by how much I DO have. I can't stop looking at all my blessings. I can't stop seeing how lucky I am, how amazing my friends and family are, how truly spectacular my life is.

Yes, I don't have a job and I have been tirelessly looking for quite some time now. True, I no longer have a boyfriend (and I am missing him like crazy these days). Who knows how long it will be before I am finally a wife and mother. Yes, these things are stressful and rather painful and hard. But oh my holy heck and stuff... I HAVE SO MUCH.

Harold has inspired me. I haven't written down an actual list, but I have definitely been taking mental note of the many things in my life that make it so good to be alive. Just even by choosing to look at things this way I feel a million miles away from the trouble that seems to loom over my head. I feel empowered that my life is going to be great, that just around the corner are ALL the many blessings I have been praying and fasting for and they're going to smack me in the face.

And you know what? Between you, me and Harold, at the end of this life I'm going to have one MAJOR ROCKSTATIC LIST!

So Today's challenge is to sluff off the grumpy and make a list. Okay, okay I won't pretend to ask you to actually write it down, stick it on your mirror and do a morning mantra to it or anything, but for anyone that is out there, struggling with the world around them-- make your Harold list... DO IT! I defy you to not feel like One Million Dollars at the end of the day!