It Can Be A Happy Ending... if you wait upon the Lord

DECEMBER 2010:
I had been recovering fairly well from the painful break-up just a few months previous. I did my best to check in with God a lot and ask for direction. The direction was: stay happy. To help me with that directive, I was blessed with so many people and moments that made it easy to stay happy.

After Christmas, while driving down the street minding my own business, I felt this strong thought come into my head "You are going to be in a relationship, and it isn't going to lead to marriage." Huh, that was weird. I quickly brushed if off as a funny thought and went on my merry little way.

JANUARY 2011:
Just a few weeks after that "funny thought" a guy I had known for a while (and incidentally had a crush on) asked me out. We dated for a week and I was in heaven! Problem was, I was also freaked out of my mind of being hurt. At the end of the week- it seemed as though HE freaked out too and pulled away, but not all the way. Huh. This lead to 2 months of confusion, frustration and varied melodramatic thoughts trying to figure this guy out. All the while in the back of my head "you are going to be in a relationship and it isn't going to lead toward marriage" kept singing its tune. BUT I REALLY LIKE HIM... is all I could whine back.

Also in this month, a guy named Jake added me as a friend on Facebook. We had gone to High School together but I didn't really know him. At the time I remember looking through his life according to FB... noticed that he was divorced, 2 kids, lived in CA. I thought he was cute, but didn't think anything more about it because this other guy was front and center in my brain!

FEBRUARY 2011:
A phone call was made to this particular guy, words were said, feelings shared and confusion still ruled my life. That week I noticed him unabashedly flirting with someone else... it hurt my heart. At this point, with all of the thoughts racing through my head of anger and frustration and sadness and broken-heartedness from the past year, I finally reached my boiling point.

So I ran away. I went to St George to let my parents take care of me for a few days.

They listened as I spewed forth my anger, frustration and mostly my hopelessness. And you would think that having Heavenly Father send down a message about this relationship not leading where I wanted it to would be a big blessing... on the contrary... I have to admit, it made me more angry.

I was mad that Heavenly Father KNEW how much pain I was in about the last stupid guy... why couldn't... no... why DIDN'T he protect me from this new pain??? I was so confused!

The day before I was to go back home, I had... the moment.

It was 1 or 2 in the morning and there was a huge storm outside. There was a huge storm inside of me too. Finally after tossing and turning I jumped to my knees and yelled up in anger
"Alright, you want to talk? Let's talk..."
I proceeded to vent all of my frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. Sure I knew he already knew but I needed to say it out loud. And say it I did. I don't know how long I was on my knees that early morning, all I remember is just being done ranting and crying and all of a sudden. I stopped and waited. I noticed the storm outside had stopped too. All was quiet. I was tired. I laid back down and instantly fell asleep.

The next day I asked my dad for a blessing. It was simple and yet, so very powerful in that moment. The biggest thing that stood out to me was "Peggy, Heavenly Father knows where your heart is right now and he wants you to know that It's Ok, He Understands." It was all I needed to hear. After the blessing my dad stopped and walked to the couch... we was quiet for a moment and then said:
"Wow, never have I felt so strongly in my whole life... but... something is coming for you and it's big."
I had felt that same feeling too. Truth zapped me straight to my heart. I left St George a new gal ready to move throughout life with a better attitude, waiting upon the Lord for whatever he had in store.

MARCH 2011:
I realized one of my bigger mistakes in WHY this guy had become so Peggy-Centric and had been allowed to cause so much turmoil in my brain. And that's because I hadn't followed my own advice of a 3 Dude Rule. (basically it's just a way of staying balanced in the dating world by focusing attentions on more than one guy at the same time until one of them decides to make me their one and only).

After looking around at my life, I realized just how secluded I had become after the break-up. I wasn't really getting out much and attended church with married couples and old people. There was no immediate chance of me meeting new men. So I did what I was a little loathed to do... I got online.

After one week on one particular dating site, I got off. I was tired of staving off dumb guys wanting "hook-ups" or to talk dirty. However, I did happen to meet a guy from Scotland that became a fun friend to talk to. Because of the time difference he kept asking me to get on Facebook Chat. I never get on Facebook chat for various reasons, but every once in a while I would jump on to say Hi.

One morning I jumped on to see if he was there and noticed that this Jake guy was on. Seconds later a chat box popped up saying HI! Never in my whole life have I felt compelled to get to know someone. I said HI back. We "chatted" all day that day... and by nighttime I had given him my phone number and email address too. We talked through the night and into the next day. It was like I had found a long lost friend and I was trying to get caught up.

He already had purchased a plane ticket to come to SLC to visit his kids and so a week later I picked him up from the airport and we have been together ever since.

JULY 2011:
It has been such a fast courtship. I never in a million years pictured myself talking marriage with someone I had known for such a short amount of time... the last guy was a 2 year relationship before we got engaged. But, there is so much right and good in this relationship... so much peace. He is the easiest person I have ever gotten along with in my life... we really are a perfect match.

On July 1, 2011 we met each other in St George (something we've done a lot to save on airfare costs) and after sending me on the most amazing scavenger hunt through the vast metropolis, he got on his knee, opened a box and put a ring on my finger.

I've never felt more peace, more happiness, more contented love than I have with this man. I know that Heavenly Father had this planned all along, that THIS is what he was asking me to wait for. That THIS relationship was going to put all others to shame. Jake is my perfect match... and I am so very blessed that I allowed the Lord to work wonders in my life.

I was excited to share my story on this particular blog because I KNOW that there are women out there today that feel the same way I did... you lay awake at night wondering if it is EVER going to happen for you and you've lost hope, or maybe you have started to question that Heavenly Father cares or wants you to be happy.

I am telling you now that He will provide for you and you have no idea when that will be. Wait upon Him and he will provide... and it will be better than ANYTHING you had planned for yourself.

Life is never what we picture or planned.

Scaredy Cat

Fear is on my brain. Fear of the unknown, fear of letting someone else hurt me too, fear that I really am all the horrible things I think about myself sometimes.

As I ponder on this ever-present terror in my mind, I remember a FANTASTIC quote from a book I read a few years ago... Life of Pi by Yann Martel.

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. you become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread."

So true, right?

I L.O.V.E. what he says next though... the solution to this enemy... it's so beautiful and profound.


"The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

Today I am trying to shine the light of words upon this dumb fear. It's helping!

The end.

A Word About The Previous Post

Hi Internet World, how are you today? We don't really know each other do we... so why post such personal feelings online where anyone could read it and in turn take from it what they will?

The answer? I'm not sure.

Maybe it's a mixture of therapeutic writing and sending it into the universe where someone might read and understand just how you feel. Maybe it's because even though the cyber-world is vast and unpredictable it still feels like you are never really quite alone.

So my last post- Personal? Yes. Poetic? Possibly.

I have really strong feelings not only about why I wrote it but also why I chose to post it.

I have been really hard on myself lately. Ending a relationship with someone NEVER helps in that department. I'm also the kind of gal that never ever gives herself enough credit for the good she does... I'm always brushing that part of it aside and then off to the next task.

So the other day I was filing through some pictures when I came across a picture of me in the hospital just after I had donated my kidney to my little sister. My face was puffy and I was attached to oxygen, but in True Peggy Fashion I tried to muster a smile whilst in so much pain so that it would be a somewhat decent picture... HA!

In any case, something about THAT picture stopped me into silence. I looked at this woman as if she wasn't myself. I thought about what she had just done, how much pain she must be in and I started to cry for her sacrifice. My heart went out to her. That's what got me thinking.

If I could say anything to myself as if she were just a good friend and not myself, what would I say? Knowing her struggles, knowing those moments that no one sees, knowing her hopes and needs... what would she need to hear?

So I started to write. It was 100% cathartic and healing. It's A-MAZING what it felt like to love myself like that for a minute. To praise myself for good deeds and getting over hard things. To urge her on and cheer her effort. It did a body good!

Ladies, the reason I posted this is because what would this world look like if all of us did a better job of showering ourselves with some lovin'? What would it do for you if today you too wrote yourself a letter of appreciation and encouragement? If you truly the the rain of awesome words fall upon yourselves with understanding and admiration for the person you are the good that you do?

DO IT! No, seriously... stop reading this blog right this second and go do it. You think I'm kidding... get out of here!

I can only assume no one is reading any more... that's RAD!

Paying Homage... To Me, From Me

Dear Peggy,

I have been thinking about you lately; looking at you from a distance and I wanted to write to you to let you know how much I love you.

I've seen how you've handled some very painful moments in your life, taken note of the people you care about and whom you've tried to love and give service to. I've seen you run yourself into the ground trying to go and do and stay active in your community and church and active with the things you love. One of these days, you will learn to do a better job of balancing your life so that you don't find yourself running out of steam every other month. You know as well as I do that it isn't healthy to run at the rate you do.

I've also been there to see the quiet moments that no one but you and I share.. the times you cried yourself to sleep on those lonely nights filled with pain, regret, and an ache for things hoped for but not seen. I've seen the tears for the heartaches and disappointments and cried with you for all of the bad decisions others have made that have affected your life in such a painful way.

I've watched you pray to a Father in Heaven for strength and patience and peace. I've seen those times when you followed His direction and listened to his voice and I've also seen those times when you got stubborn and prideful and not only pushed him away but pushed everyone around you away. I know you have a hard time letting people in to see the pain Peggy, but don't forget that only good can come from being open and asking for help.

When I look at you, I am so proud of the things you've done with your life. I look at your travels... to Boston, Italy... and the hardest move yet... back to Utah. You've touched so many lives and made so many life-long friends. You've shared your testimony in a unique and warm way that allowed people from all walks of life to feel your love for them, no matter what they believe. You've taken your talents with children and brought laughter and freedom to be creative to their little lives.

Coolest of all Peggy, you didn't even bat an eyelash when the call came, asking you to consider donating your kidney to your sister. I know how scary it was, how flipped upside down your life became as you prepared to donate, how challenging those months of recovery were. But look at you now, you are healthy and have a strong body... and best part yet, you can be so proud of your "little kidney that could" who has done a stellar job of helping your sister to be rock-star healthy.

My favorite thing about you, though, is your ability to see the humor in life, your resiliency and determination to stay positive, no matter what happens to you. You've done well my friend and you will continue to move through life with grace because you choose to see that there is indeed good in this life and in this world. You choose to see that even though people may do really stupid things (sometimes things that have hurt you beyond belief), that they too are coming from their own pain and are usually only trying to do their best with what they've got inside of them.

Keep that head of yours held high, knowing that you are an amazing woman. One who is capable of loving with her whole heart, who would go to bat for anyone of her peeps, who is going to make the best of her life, no matter what happens. You should be told how much you are loved and appreciated on a regular basis, mostly from me... I'm sorry that I don't do that very often. I'm sorry that I can be your hardest critic and your enabler of negativity. I promise to do a better job of appreciating you and making sure you are aware just how much I love you.

You are truly amazing and I am so lucky to know you.

Love you my friend,
Peggy

TODAY...

Today I was sick... in bed all day long with a fever
It slowed me down and left me with many thoughts
I have been running too fast to think these thoughts
They caught up to me Today
I went on a walk... the sun came out
So did my tears
No one was there to share them with me
Except the cold wind and the rushing river
I let them fall freely
Loneliness has been my new roommate lately
It replaced the space that the heartache left behind
It brings its own brand of self awareness and pain
I spoke to Heavenly Father about it
I try really hard not to get angry with Him at my life circumstances
I do plead with him for understanding though
Because sometime all I can say is... REALLY?
As I walked back to my place I looked around
I was alone in Memory Grove
How appropriate
My sad solitude turned to peace
I took a deep breath of frozen air
Then crawled back into bed

GUEST BLOGGER: Marj- Going For It

Marj is one of my best friends. She actually filled in as the role of boyfriend this past year as my heart was bleeding to death on the floor. She picked me up, made me laugh and took me on SEVERAL Diet Coke runs when the time called for it.

Watching her make the very hard and scary decisions she describes below was a very humbling thing for me. She set her pride and desires aside and just listened to and trusted the Lord. I miss her like crazy that she isn't here- but I am so very excited to see the amazing things that are coming to her now that she has taken that HUGE leap of Faith!

This is her story:

It was a breakup... as always... that convinced my heart and soul that something was off balance in my life. I picked myself up soon enough after, but almost too soon. When I realized that the end of this relationship was starting out the same as all the others it dawned on me it was time to react differently. I didn't want the same result AGAIN. So, I gave myself a mandatory 90 day break from dating. Then, when that didn't seem too painful or hard I decided to take this a step further and give myself 90 days of self-discovery.

I was to take a full three months away from the demands of socializing, family parties, and new men and truly dig deep into the inner most wrinkles of my being and iron out those things that were repeatedly holding me back. I cleared my calendar for the following three months. I decided that if there came a day when there was a party I wanted to attend I would go. But I was not going to make any advanced plans.

It is harder than you might think to force yourself into a cocoon of self understanding. In fact, it plain stunk at first. I was so bored the first week I thought I might cry. The second week was so much easier to get a grip on this opportunity and really put it to good use.

For the first month I basically sat around reading all of the time, sulking when my mind was blank, and spending more time at the office to take my mind off of my newly emptied life. I had started going to a counselor to work out past troubles, and make sure my feet were set on the right course for progress.

It all seemed well and good, but something was missing. Christ. As soon as the noise of my distracting life had faded, I recognized instantly that my connection with spiritual things had weakened. It took some time to mourn and accept the low place that I found myself, but then I started my hike upward.

As I started reading my scriptures more, praying sincerely, and writing my personal feelings in my journal I started to feel more and more strange. Yes, that's such an unexpected feeling when you're doing the 'right' thing. It wasn't until I was on a road trip with my dear friend that this first step in my journey was decoded.

I had become closer to the spirit, and as a result I was feeling the pull to change something.... what something? Talking with my friend on our long journey it started to ease it's way from my heart into my brain. I didn't like my job. I didn't feel like I fit in my environment anymore. I felt like there was something I needed to change, and soon. This all made perfect sense. Of course I needed change. The instant relief and optimistic hope that filled my insides were enough of a confirmation that I was on the right track.

For the next couple of days I made lists of placed I would like to live, and things I would be good at doing. Nothing in particular from my choices stood out above another. I decided to read my patriarchal blessing, which I received at age 16. After reading it I immediately felt prompted by the spirit in a new way. Up until that point I viewed this blessing in a reactive way. I would wait for events to happen, then compare and contrast with the things I was promised. It was as though a light turned on and I was reading my blessing for the first time. Heavenly Father intended me to 'go and do' in order to get the things he promised. I had to pro actively live in a way that would bring everything I have been dreaming of since I was 16. The peace and confidence that filled the air were yet another testimony to me that I was on the right track. So I prayed with all of my heart that the Lord would guide me to the place that I needed to be in order to do everything I was meant to for Him. And, of course, there were promises that I desperately wanted to come true as well. Up from my knees I came and a new list was started. I wrote down all of the places I thought would work with my purpose. Nothing struck me, still.

After reading a few great talks from General Authorities on personal revelation and the importance of acting on our promptings I found myself preparing to go to the Temple with my question. While I was sitting in the Salt Lake Temple at the place where you can sit and ponder on your own mysteries, I started to pray. “Where am I supposed to go?” Nothing. “Should I stay in Utah?” Nothing. “Should I go to Boston? New York? Florida? Arizona?” Nothing. Feeling like a spoiled brat who has grown weary of inventing new tactics to get what I wanted I finally sent another silent plea toward Heaven, “I am going to sit here until you at least give me some sort of an answer. I am going to clear my mind, and wait.” And wait I did.

It seemed like forever had passed, though it was probably just minutes, and my mind was brought to the thought, “Virginia.” “Virginia?????” “Yes, Virginia.” “Why?”... I know that is a silly question after why I had come to the Lord in the first place, but I'm human. My heart was filled with the spirit and thoughts flooded my mind of relatives that lived in Norther VA, and the many opportunities to be involved with missionary work, and the great historic significance of the area that would keep me occupied for years. I started to feel so excited. Wow. I prepared, I came to the Lord with a specific question, and I received a specific answer.

Several months have passed, and as of 2 weeks ago I am now officially a resident of Alexandria, VA. Each time I took another step towards Heavenly Father's guided course a new piece of the puzzle was solved. My housing basically fell into my lap. I have three amazing roommates. I have already had several chances to talk about the Savior in group settings, and talk about the importance of religion. I've had great leads on prospective employment, and many other great opportunities unfolding before me. At first I looked around me and asked, “So when does this start?”. Today I realized, it already started. I'm here. I made it. The Lord brought me to a new place and now I get to bask in the great experience that has been made just for me.