WHY?? IT'S JUST A COAT!!

When I was about 8 years old, our family dog Annie (whom we just loved to pieces, she really was the perfect dog) was hit by a car. I will never forget that moment. It was a hot summer's day and I was in the family room watching Full House as my mother was bustling in the kitchen making dinner. Out of nowhere my brother burst into the house with a tear streaked face screaming that Annie had gotten loose from his grasp, ran out onto the "big road" and gotten hit. This was one of my first encounters with something this tragic and the shock to my system is something I will never forget.

I have very muddled memories as to what happened next. We ran out to the scene where the very horrified driver was attempting to pick up the almost lifeless dog. My mother was crying and all I can really remember was the panic I felt and the chaos that seemed to whirl around me. By now most of the neighborhood children had gathered around and it was too much for me. I took off running back to the house and into my bedroom. How can this be happening? She can't die, she just can't.

Then I remembered that there were stories in the scriptures about Jesus healing the sick and afflicted. There were stories of people being near death, or very ill and because of prayers and blessings, had lived. I knew what I had to do.

I dropped to my knees, and will all the fervor of a very scared little girl conjured up all the faith I had in a Father in Heaven I believed was there and prayed for him to save Annie. I don't remember how long the prayer was, but when I stood up, I knew... just knew that she would live.

I walked outside to our front porch, where the crowd was now very large and saw the look on my brother's face. He looked at me and said "Annie's dead" and then broke down crying.

WHAT? How could this happen? I prayed so strongly and used every last bit of faith... WHY?

Why is such a hard question. We want and need answers for WHY things happen in our lives. Why the Lord doesn't just come and save us from heartache and pain and suffering. Why does he allow bad things in this world when he loves his children so much? Why didn't he heal my dog... I had the faith and I had gone to him in prayer. Why?

So many times the answers wouldn't even make sense to us if every WHY was answered. Just like my nephews who don't understand WHY they have to put a coat on to go outside and play when it's 30 degrees. They can't see the possible consequences for this decision. They don't have the reason and logic to fully understand the need. So when the demand is made to put their coat on their first response is a whiny WHY?? It's funny to watch them as the answer is given, in all reality they didn't really want the answer, they just wanted to complain and do what their little minds wanted to do in the first place-- go outside to play-- unrestricted by a silly coat. Gosh this would just be so much easier if they would just listen to their mother without the need to ask WHY all the time. She wouldn't ask it of them, if she didn't know how important it is.

Granted the pain we sometimes experience when life is hard and doesn't look like we wanted it to, feels so much more complicated than putting on a coat. But in reality, an eternal, loving parent, who can see the end from the beginning is there with the full perspective and He too wouldn't ask these trials of us if he didn't know how absolutely important it was for us.

My first response is always to call up to him in confusion, WHY? Sometimes I beg him to tell me, to explain to me, to help me see. He patiently waits for me to stop the temper tantrum, tire myself out and finally just come to him and ask for comfort and patience. For the smart girl, the next step is to wipe the tears, stand back up and keep her feet moving, putting on that coat, regardless of the pain and just trusting that by doing so she will find the peace and protection she needs.

And as one really amazing friend said to me just last night, by the time we are able to see the WHY, we don't care about it anymore. Well not that we don't care about it so much as we will be in a better position to see things from a larger perspective and the NEED for the WHY won't be as important as seeing the bigger picture.

My prayer today is for the strength to put my coat on without the whiny WHY?? and trust that there are more infinite details at work in my life right now. Details that I wouldn't fully be able to understand if I knew them right now anyway.

So I'm gonna go outside and play, wanna come?

From WE back to ME

There is something quite amazing about the word WE. You married people probably don't remember now because you are so used to saying it, but to a single person, when you have finally found someone that takes you out every week and says the L word to you-- you get to start saying WE and it feels grand!

"Oh, I'm sorry WE can't make it because WE already have plans."
"WE went out last night to this great restaurant."

It rolls off the tongue and just is the best word you can think of. You find yourself saying it all the time, whenever you can and become like a kid who just got his braces off that smiles extra big so that people will notice his sparkly new, unfettered grill.

Then, as with some relationships, things come to an end. Yes, amongst all the hurt and confusion and disappointment, is the realization that the word WE no longer belongs to you and you start to feel like Gollum after Bilbo Baggins just made off with your Precious Ring. You have to start answering questions like

"So what are you doing Thursday?" with, "I'M not sure I will have to check MY schedule."

No two ways about it... it plain sucks!

So this last break up has been hard. Okay, most break-ups are hard. But part of what was so hard about this one, was that this man was AWESOME, and took care of me better than any guy I have dated up to this point. No really. On top of that he had unofficially asked me to marry him, so most of our conversations sounded something like "When we are married..." or "When you move in, don't forget to bring..." I had already started to pick colors and had gone dress shopping with my mom and sisters... my dad even bought me a veil.

So here I sit, back in my ME world, trying as hard as I can to down-shift back to You're Single and Not Getting Married. It feels so out of body. On top of that, when one is over the age of 27, you begin to realize that your 20's slipped by ever so quickly and you are faced wondering how fast you are going to cross the 40 finish line. Will you be married by then? Will you still be swinging and missing every time you come to bat with a new guy? (man this post is just filled with analogies isn't it?)

I have decided that the two best artists to listen to when you are breaking up are Kelly Clarkson and India Arie. Kelly, because she gets all angry and just screams out your pain. And India because her words are soulful and are filled with truth and positivity.

The other day I was driving to my brother's house, surrounded by my self-pity and the music of India, when the following song came on and I was lifted by the words. I know that these words were from her experience, but they resonated with me and my experience too. They spoke pain and heartache and disappointment, but more importantly Hope.

This song is dedicated to all my single girls, whose silent tears fall at night, whose hopes of being wives and mothers still softly burn in pain in the center of their chests. Keep looking forward and having faith. This day too shall pass.

This Too Shall Pass Lyrics


I've achieved so much in life,
but I'm an amateur in love
My bank account is doing just fine
but my emotions are bankrupt


My body is nice and strong
but my heart is in a million pieces
When the sun is shining so am I
but when night falls, so do my tears


Sometimes the beat is so loud in my heart
that I can barely tell our voices apart
Sometimes the fear is so loud in my head
that I can barely hear what God says


but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass


The one that loved me the most
turned around and hurt me the worst
Been doing my best to move on
but the pain just keeps singing me songs


My head and my heart are at war
cause love ain't happening the way I want it
Feel like I'm about to break down
can't hear the light at the end of the tunnel
is when I pray for healing in my heart
to be put back together what is torn apart
and I pray for quiet in my head
that I can hear clearly what GOD says
but then I hear a whisper that this too shall pass
I hear the angels whisper that this too shall pass
my ancestors whisper that this day will one day be the past
so I walk in faith that this too shall pass

All of a sudden I realized
that it only hurts worst to fight it
So I embrace my shadow and hold on to the morning light

this too shall pass...

I hear the angels whisper that trouble don't have to last always
I hear the angels whisper even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday
I hear my angels whisper
I hear my angels whisper
this too shall pass

NUTSHELLIN' IT

I'M BACK FROM ITALY!

I'M 30!

I'M DATING SOMEONE!

More to come later on all 3. Just thought I'd let you all know that I still live and breath!

HIATUS

This Blog is currently on HIATUS for approximately 3 months due to the fact that I am out of the country.

Have a great summer everyone!

guest blogger- Kylee- MAKE IT HAPPEN

This gal is up to some awesome stuff-- making good use of the knowledge she's taken with her on her path of singlehood! You Go Girl!


In 2006 I decided I needed a change so I joined AmeriCorps and moved to Boston. That year, my motto became: Make it Happen! This mindset has transformed my life. I don't think I'm unique in this endeavor.

In a day and age where people are paralyzed by fear, where they are not only losing their jobs but their confidence, and where people are losing hope I choose to tell a different story!

I want to collect personal essays/stories from people that have MADE things happen in their lives. This includes dreams they made come true, goals they've accomplished, trips they've taken, people they've met, and so much more.

Please send me your "Make it Happen" story!

Your personal story/essay needs to be around 2 pages (1000 words), clear, concise, and how it is you made it happen! Send your story to me: kyleeshields@gmail.com. w/a very brief bio of yourself.

I will be putting together a collection of these inspiring stories to hopefully publish in a book.

FOLLOW THE LINK TO FIND OUT MORE INFO ABOUT THIS GROUP ON FACEBOOK!
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=101911645010&ref=ts

FREE-TIME DO's

This is the first of many posts about the volunteer work that is out there.

Today's post is brought to you by:

BIG BROTHERS, BIG SISTERS



I chose to start with this program because I have personal experience with this organization.

In the winter of 2000, I became a BIG SISTER! I was assigned a 13 year old girl who came from a very poverty-stricken, single parent home. For as fun and rewarding as this experience was, it was also challenging in ways i never expected it to be and I learned a lot about myself in this year of knowing my LITTLE SISTER. But most importantly, she taught me to never take for granted the many blessings I have been given on this earth.


I highly recommend this program for anyone looking to get involved in the lives of the children in your community that may or may not have awesome support at home.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters offers 2 different ways you can volunteer:

1: Community-Based Mentoring- you will spend as little as 1 hour per week with your "little" doing anything from going on a walk to singing together at a retirement center, to making cookies.

2: School-Based Mentoring- you will meet with your "little" at a school or rec. center and not only help them with homework, but spend time getting to know each other as well.

For more information click on the link provided above or if you are in the Utah area call:

(801) 313- 0303

DON'T WAIT-- BE A BRACE-FACE!

PERSONAL STORY TIME!

When I was in high school, I, much like a lot of you, had braces. In the fall of my Senior Year, they were taken off! About 3 years later, my retainer broke, taking me back to the orthodontist. It was then that he noticed that my bite had shifted and recommended that I go back into braces for another 2 years.

{okay you're not allowed to make fun of my reaction}

"But I'm 21, what if I get married within those two years," I thought, "I don't want braces in my pictures!!"

{HEY! I told you not to laugh!}

So, off I went, as stubborn as can be, and chose not to get those braces. Fast forward 2 years, I was now working for a company that had awesome benefits and so I skipped on over to the dentist who recommended that I go and see my orthodontist.

Once again, Mr. Fix-My-Mouth recommended those darned braces. "Probably for 2 years," he said with urgency. "If you don't do this soon, some of your back molars are going to shift and it's going to take a lot longer than 2 years to fix them. Oh and by the way, you are NOT a candidate for Invisi-Line."

Despite his warning, I the nerd 20-something thought, once again:

"But I'm 23! I could get married at any time AND I'm doing film and television now, and I don't want braces to get in the way!"

So the braces didn't happen. And would you believe me if I told you, that almost 9 YEARS has passed since that first visit to the orthodontist, I still didn't get the braces, my bite is now worse than ever, the back molars have shifted markedly AND, would you believe it... I'm still not married!! GO FIGURE!! If I had gone straight into braces when the orthodontist had told me to... I would have been out of braces 7 years ago! Oh my gosh, I hang my head in shame!!

Okay, so now to the moral of the story:

Sometimes I think we, as single women, get afraid to go and do or become because, "What if I could get married?" If anything this braces story has taught me, it's that sitting around waiting didn't accomplish ANY of my hopes and desires... it didn't cause me to get married and it most certainly did not fix my bite!

Is there something that you've been wanting to do for a long time and never did because you were afraid it would get in the way of other hopes and desires?

A friend of mine from Boston, who recently got engaged, met her man AFTER she had felt prompted to move to a new state. He moved in, just as she was moving out and they didn't even meet until a party they were both at, in Utah!

She later commented "I guess it goes to show you, that it doesn't matter, where you move or when, when the right guy is supposed to be in your life, it will happen."

So here's your kick in the pants for today:

GO AND DO! DON'T WAIT! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!

Oh and by the way, when I get back from Italy, I'm getting braces!